Ugghh!!!!

I wrote this post last Friday in a moment of sheer frustration. I debated actually publishing it, but it actually makes me feel better to say it out "loud" ....

The rational voice in me for the last couple of days has said, " we weren't even really trying this month, you took the increased clomid dose just as a trial run, you didn't count days or take your temperature consistently, you didn't even buy an ovulation test this month" so why would you think you were pregnant? You even drank at holiday parties so you don't deserve for this to happen has even been cycling in my thoughts.

But being a a several days late, plus being really nauseated over the last couple of days gave me that little hopeful thought of what if???

All thoughts came to a screeching hault this morning :-(

Real Simple this month has an article entitled Resolutions of What NOT to do in 2009

For me I think not stressing about getting pregnant this year tops the list. I have let a miscarriage in summer 2005 totally dominate my thoughts about getting pregnant again. It ruined any joy to be had for the nine long months of daily worrying before Ben arrived safely. It freaks me out to even begin to think about going through that self-imposed misery again.

My rational self tells me you know the increased odds are against you for getting and maintaining a pregnancy having PCOS plus insulin resistance. I should just be thankful that I got pregnant with Ben fairly easily in comparision to so many. My deemed initial "high risk" pregnancy complete with daily blood testing and DVT scare at month 7 was easy breezy compared to what could have been.

So I refuse to see or judge myself each month that something does or does not happen in 2009. My AP class is working on "this I believe essays" as a final assignement. We are going to vote on and submit the best one to NPR.

For me I think my essay would be titled, "I believe in 2nd, 3rd,even 92nd chances for the impossible to happen". I have to believe that our family will be blessed beyond reason because we already are