Enough?

Once again, I've been sitting on this post a couple of days. It somehow feels right to post it for myself than for any other reason. Ahhh to a new week!

It wasn't at the RE office last Thursday, reading Bill's incredibly sweet card with the flowers he sent, or learning that good friends are expecting that had me uncharacteristically sobbing about having to cancel this cycle and wait out another month to try. In usual style I have spent the last couple of days pushing it off, staying busy, and trying not to let it invade the running commentary in my head.

It was reading Brenda's post and knowing the end of their IVF story.
I wouldn't let myself read any of her recent IVF posts until this past week. The Draconian rules I keep for semblance of control has kicked it into high gear lately, 20th anniversary style no less. As I read about their closure cycle, I was floored by her honesty and frankness and any ability to communicate how this experience has defined a part of her life.

I don't know I have the strength and courage to face going to the end and not be pregnant. I am beginning to think that Ben is a bigger miracle than I originally thought given the events of this week. As I said to Bill last night, at what point will just loving him be enough to sustain me?