Friday, February 4, 2011

Show Me the Mommy- Where I Should Be, But Am Not

I'm punting on a planned weekend run to SC.

Yes to feeling guilty, esp after talking to my brother last night. I cannot figure out how to lose 12 hours drive time and most of Sat hospital sitting when I have mounds to do to get progress reports out by 8 am on Monday.

So there. I'm choosing me. My very limited time. The need to sleep. The desire to spend the time with my Bill and the boys not caretaking for another weekend.

If that sounds harsh, please don't judge me.

The last trip a couple of weeks ago was really hard, miserable, as in uncharacteristically crying in car on the drive home bad. This has been a long, trying week. Not the kids are sick, life is falling apart kinda week, just things that have taken my time and worn me down. I have a lot to try to knock out by Monday busy.

I have plans to go another weekend, most likely if a potential move to a step-down rehab wing or possible nursing home stay happens soon. Insurance is running out at 90 days so we have to prolong where we can put her and stretch the benefits. Coming home is not an option due to the amount of help needed beyond just my brother.

Since I haven't updated, posted, hell even mentioned how things are going to most anyone including family, they are still going. Yes she is still in the hospital. The 7th makes exactly 2 months to have missed Christmas, Birthdays, Life.

Infection has finally been contained, but cannot be totally gotten rid of in the hip and dialysis port thus we are looking at long term daily IV mega antibiotics. Confusion is better, but still an ever present. She is still in restraints.

When I wrote about the long-haul of parental caretakeing, this is the long-haul.

I hesitate to even post this quick phone pic from the last visit down, but it's a part of my life and has been for the last 12 years of parental flip-flop game.

Come midnight on Sunday when I'm going to bed, not JUST starting work I'm going to be really, really glad I made this call. For once I set aside the guilt of not being a good daughter and instead tried to be a good mom, wife, and somewhere myself for recognizing priorties.



Beth said...

HUGE step Heather. You CAN NOT do it all. Deep down, I'm sure both your brother and mom understand. Try to push the guilt aside. Huge hugs! Life sure is a bitch sometimes.

Carrie77 said...

Don't feel bad, I am sure she would understand. You need time to recharge.