Friday, December 17, 2010

Show Me the Mommy- The Brother-Sister Variety

Long week into longer weekend as of around 6 pm tonight I passing the kids off and heading back to SC.

I'm really tired, haven't slept well this week, and feel bad for shortchanging time with my family getting ready for some semblance of a normal Christmas.


Without getting into another long, drawn out ick-filled post it's been a long week.

Skip ahead if you want some awesome upcoming non-family posts to come.

If you are hanging in there with me, I really appreciate the support. Thank you for asking how things are going. Knowing that I have people in our corner helps not feel so incredibly alone with this mess.

As of this morning my mom is still in the ICU has had 4 surgeries to contain infection, debreed and cut away necrotic tissue. Another planned for Sunday. She had been sedated until Wed morning to try to maximize healing from the surgeries and response to the massive amount of antibiotics she is getting. Some positive labs have come back indicating a small reduction in infection.

At this point I still don't know about the long term diagnosis. My only comparison was in January 2004 similar infection set in and she was in the ICU for 9 weeks and then transitioned to a nursing home for another 2 months. Good times, you bet. Drove down every weekend to help, you bet. Back before kids of my own, you bet.

Bill and I are making some hard calls about what to do is this turns long term as he really can't take extended days off to take care of Ian. Once again I feel so pulled that no one is going to be happy and that all this anger and worry is consuming me. I really hate the uncontrollable.

ok.. so for the post. If you know the movie the Savages or the Franzen novel The Corrections, both are spot on realistic to the relationship I have with my brother Brian. We love each other as siblings. But underneath is an ongoing unspeakable rage we both have for being thrust into caretaking mode.

As adult children in role reversal our relationship has changed from one of being a united front against our parents to one of having to be a united front for our parents.

Brian is a surgical nurse who works in Greenville, SC. He's damn funny to the point he should quit taking care of people and write stand up. I can always count on his dry wit to make me laugh even in the most dire of circumstances

He has patience that I do not have. He has a level of compassion that I do not have. He is frankly a much better person that I will ever be. He has essentially given up his opportunity to have a normal 20s/30s to be sole live-in caretaker to my parents. I hope at some point of his life that he will be in a supportive relationship that leads to his own happiness.

As I have moved on to start my own family he is very much still in the same place he was 10 years ago. He has even commented that I have everything he thought he would have at some point with the marriage, kids, even a dog.

Thanks guilt, I knew you were hanging out waiting to insert yourself.

At times our relationship as adult children taking care of our parents has been strained and I feel at odds that he is making decisions without my input. I have to tell myself that he earned the right to make the final call, even when I have not agreed.

It's so easy for me to make the trip down, throw some food in the freezer and play dutiful child for 48 hours while counting the minutes until I can be back home and 6 hours away from the daily grind of caretaking.

I love him because he's my brother, he cushioned some of the intricacies of growing up, he has given of himself more than anyone should be asked, and yes because he makes me laugh.

So I promise that there has been more going on this month other than family drama.

How about some upcoming posts about permanently not going back to 40 week teaching, or that we have come to a decision about the 3 frozen babes, or finally (kinda)getting my shit together with the two kid thing, or how about all the ways 2010 has really been awesome.

Bottom line is for all this ICK, I have my health, my kids, my supportive spouse who once again is taking the boys without complaining, great friends who won't let me hide out, and I have so much ahead next year. 2011 is SO going to be my year.

I've got lots of time to write these posts in my head this weekend, that along with yet another audiobook for the drive and lots of coffee to keeping me going.


LauraC said...

Oh Heather, what a December.
I'm feeling like my comment will either be one line (HUGS!) or entire paragraphs. I am so glad you started this blog. Great therapy and I feel like knowing what's going on helps me be a better, more compassionate friend.

Open offer if Bill needs help this weekend.

Gillian said...

Love you, Heather! And another offer of help if Bill needs any this weekend or if YOU need some when you are back up here. If you would like me to take Ian and/or Ben for a morning we would love to have them over. xoxoxo