Thursday, December 30, 2010

10 for 2010 How You Spend Your Days is How You Spend Your Life

I'm not sure if I actually got to 10 items for 2010 but it really doesn't matter. I'm ending the year tomorrow on a positive note with my Awards for 2010 Post with Fav 2010 pictures.

Today has to be the last 10 for 2010 post. So here goes for #8-10.

Awesome #8- Doing Mondo and then Dream Lab. Spending the time and energy to write out my life goals was defining. Putting them into practice is now the real task. Learning to give up the fight to live some perfect, idealized life and just live (and love) the reality.

Awesome #9- I'm within 9 lbs of my personal 2010 goal and within 40 of where I want to be for the surgery. My much anticipated first consult with the plastic surgeon earlier this week was rescheduled due to the snow. First available appointment was the week of my birthday in Jan. Perfect.

Now, I just need to get up the gumption to go, not to bail on the appointment and be honest in having a physical body to match the one in my head is within sight.

Awesome # 10- Owning up and admitting I can't do it alone.

Holy Hell I need some courage to keep writing this post publicly.

Don't delete...wincing...saying yes to courage to put this out there today....

2010 has been a year of extreme highs and lower than imagined possible lows. Bringing a much wanted 2nd child into our family, high upon high. Watching the relationship between Ben and Ian develop, sweet goodness. Having one of the best years of my marriage, unbelievably thankful. Having supportive friends, rocks.

The transition from one kid to two was so much harder than I ever imagined. I didn't have this fantasy idea that babies are easy, I remembered how exhausted I was with Ben and a full time job. But, I honestly cannot even begin to put words to how hard the first months juggling new dynamics, the return to crappy sleep, and trying to make it all work when all I really wanted was not to be a participant.

Add in a hard fought lesson about putting work before family priorities as I sat through work meetings with a 8 day old infant. I swore never again to let work come before my family, and for the most part I'm living this daily.

About a month after Ian arrived soul crushing depression and then anxiety that left me frazzled and almost unable to take care of my kids set in. It was gradual and since I didn't have any issues after Ben I thought it was just run of the mill depression. It wasn't until early June that Bill came home most days to an utter and complete mess of the house, the kids, an unhinged me.

I was really trying to keep it together but this round of depression was darker than I remembered from the past. It didn't lift after a couple of weeks like normal, it got worse. Seriously scary worse.

I lied to just about everyone because I couldn't give voice to something so increasingly vile that was swallowing my days and then keeping me up at night. I was embarrassed, esp since admitting that this baby that I longed for was in part the reason why functioning on any level seemed a herculean task.

I even lied to my long time therapist who was genuinely surprised when it took an impersonal email to ask her for a recommendation for a med consult with a psychiatrist. Coming clean has been hard, it is STILL hard to admit I can't do it on my own and just think my way out.

I met him, feeling like a total sell out after 10 years of sticking out the hard without having to succumb to better living through chemistry. I did meds a long time ago for insomnia and swore that I wouldn't again. Some options I don't need on the table.

This time I admitted that I couldn't just stubbornly persevere through. My kids and Bill deserve better. Hell, I deserved better. Six months later I can say that I'm glad that I have worked for the latter half of this year to try different cocktails of meds to find a good match.

I'm ending this year in a happier, more content, less frazzled place than I have ever been. Like ever in my adult life. It's not *just* because of the meds, or losing weight, not working full time, or spending more time with my kids.

Admitting that I didn't like the self depreciating place that I have been stuck and taking the steps to change has made all the difference in my quality of life. Even with the ongoing mess with my family, which is still a very big mess, I don't want to hide.

I want for so many things for myself and my family in 2011, but most of all I want to life the most authentic life I can day after day.

How I spend my days is how I want to spend my life with no regrets and no missed opportunities.

In 2011 I promise to not use I like a million times in every post. I'm starting to be Oprah-esque in my self-centered posts :-)


LauraC said...

Thank you for writing this Heather. I think your friends KNEW there was something going on but being in our 30s, I think we tend to let people speak when they are ready to speak. It's very well documented that infertility treatments have a MUCH higher incidence of PPD, and over and over my twin mom infertile friends say the guilt stops them from pursuing treatment.

Maybe it's because I started with twins and got my ass HANDED TO ME but I've never been able to do it all myself. Believe me, it gets easier with time to ask for help and to find a balance with your partner for renewal.

I'll drag your butt to the plastic surgery consult any time.

Blog = therapy.

Gillian said...

I had a PPD experience that needed meds also - I can give you details sometime in person - good for YOU for recognizing that you needed some help and then doing it!! Go, Heather, go!!!