Getting my game face on

Too much to say but it's really late and my Monday is slammed with work for school, plus all the normal stuff from the weekend, and then there is Christmas in 10 days.

My weekend solo trip to SC was a good decision. My mom remains very sick and the attempt to contain the infection in her hip and dialysis port is still a wait and see diagnosis. All signs yesterday were her prognosis was as better small reduction in infection after 2 surgeries. Another is planned for tomorrow or Wed once 48 hour cultures. She has rallied before at this point so all thoughts remain positive.

Part of the problem is that her team of doctors (all 5 of them that looked like their own Christmas production yesterday before the 2nd surgery) have limited options given her compromised state as an end stage renal disease patient.

Since my brother works as a surgical nurse at the same hospital, he seems to know everyone. We were treated very well and privy to information. Plus the staff let us stay way past the cutoff for the ICU.

I think we ate our weight in packs of crackers and little juices. Which, if consumed in a hospital have no caloric value.

I am taking a wait and see approach about heading down again, most likely I will be down again very soon. When I was alone with her Saturday night I had the chance to talk to her and hoped I provided some measure of comfort. As the day wore on her lucid state of mind gave way to confusion. Before the surgery yesterday she had to be restrained as to not pull out her central line or the multiple monitors.

So much of my energy in 2010 as been spent trying to let go of things I cannot change, do over, take back, or even attempt to try to understand. I've tried to do the right thing even when it was really hard.

I am bound to a situation that has only one end and am scared of what life will look like on the other side. What will I be left with, will I be a different person without this constant in my life, and the ever present question if I did enough with the time I was given.

I am bound of a situation of my own making.

You would think after the decade plus of first caring for our dad and now my mom that it somehow gets easier. It doesn't.

This is so unbelievably hard. This aspect of life that is Messy. Chaotic. Crushing. Mine