#reverb10 MOMENT of 2010

I'm sharing a post from #reverb10 writing today. My moment for 2010, where one story ended and a new one began began.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Since my 2010 word of the year is anticipation, the moment that best captures 2010 was the utter joy in realizing a dream come true.

I can't imagine a more powerful experience than bringing new life into the world. The anticipation of laboring, the long awaited final oppotunity to hold what has been moving inside, the acknowledgement of the physical pain and exhaustion that you remember before, and the realization that you are the only person who has been given this work to see to the end.

You know in your deepest being your strong and powerful body is designed to take over, so you give in and resist every temptation to fight. You are reminded by those holding you in their hands that everything you need it right here, right now.

All my focus and energy had to be brought to this one moment. This was my work alone to do. Only I could bring my son into this world and I wanted Ian's arrival to be under my control.

I wanted his birhtday and my labor to be without regret or doubt that I wished I had made different choices. My wish was my reality as I was paired with a supportive labor nurse who worked with my doula Sam. Both attended to me like a daughter, showing me compassion, care, and respect for our decisions.

Even with the unwanted induction and internal monitoring, I still felt like I was able to give Ian the birth I wanted for him. One of the most frequent questions I have been asked is why with the availibility of drugs would you want to feel the pain of childbirth, again?

Because I could. Because I waited and hoped and prayed to have the experience again. Because in this intense physical pain, emotional pain was being released. Because without feeling pain you cannot know intense fulfilling pleasure. I wanted to feel every moment of this experience for all the empowerment it would afford.

When I hit my crisis of confidence, Sam cradled my face close to hers and whispered, "he's coming, let him, don't hold anything back." She then kissed me on the forehead in the most mothering of ways and stroked my temples. It was the simplest of gestures but it was the encouragement I needed to keep going.

And Ian did come, at 4:06 pm after 10 hours of labor. So many times with my boys I wish for time to stand still so I can soak up every last minute of the moment and imprint it in my memory. Remembering the last moments of anticipation slipping into reality as life is placed in your arms is my 2010 moment to remind me that I am blessed beyond reason.