Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tales from the Little Potty- Callling in Reinforcements

I met with a counselor from Project Enlightenment last Friday to go over her findings from shadowing Ben for a morning. Specially the school asked us if we would consent to having him evaluated since progress in the pooping dept is minimal since he started. I would actually say it's actually gotten worse as now I have a daily cycle of pooping, lying, hiding, then tantrum to clean up.

The tantrums are now involving hitting, spitting, and in general the best a 3.5 year old can come up with to prove that he is in control. They found and I expected that this is indeed a control issue and that he is developmentally ready to sit and go. Face it, we have been working on poop potty training since Sept of LAST year. I am simply ready to move on to another issue like keeping him from getting people pregnant. On their recommendations we are:

1. Check out their extensive library of books. One of the recommendations is titled, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. NICE title, I think I am raising an inmate. Her belief that stopping the lying and hiding would be key to the overall solution.

2. Work with a one on one counselor for 3-5 sessions. Got the first appointment I could in January. Some are with us to discuss overall parenting style the rest with us and Ben. Nice that we are starting family therapy ahead of the pack.

3. Consider a series of workshops when offered again in 2010 again with a focus on discipline. She thought some of our techniques used were helpful, but wanted us to increase what other items we could also do to start and stop behaviors.

I do feel that like all other struggles that given time this is going to resolve. I have tried most everything in the book to no avail. My major concern now is stopping this escalation of behavior before it develops into something worse.

Can a 3.5 year old make a voodoo doll? I hate feeling a sense of dread of what the witching hours between 3-8 are going to bring each day. I also hate that it feels like everyone has the solution because this didn't happen with their kid or if it did this was the one thing that worked so why am I not doing _____. On some level I failed that hurdle of parenting but I also know that I can only offer positive support to him not learn this for him. I fear that in my "just get it cleaned" up rush that a degree of learned helplessness has taken hold.

In all honesty Ben was an easy baby by all accounts. I needed him to be an easy baby going into a new school with difficult working conditions 3 years ago. I say this not to make anyone feel bad, but that we were due for a real parenting challenge. I am thankful that if I had to choose a time to be at my wits end of frustration it is now when work is much easier.

I do hope that before the baby comes that we will have made some progress, even if it's not full on going alone, but ending tantrums. Just getting him to sit with or without success would be a nice place to be. We were once there, briefly so I know we can return.

I am willing to give this a try and believe that they may be able to help us turn the corner and for that I am very, very thankful for this resource in my area.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

Join the club. Connor's 5 and still not pooping in the toilet. You get sick and tired of people saying, "have you tried..." over and over again to which we always answer boringly, "Yes, yes and yes." Every doctor and councelor we've spoken too (including Project Enlightenment and WCPSS) told us to "back off." You'll never win a fight with a kid who refuses to use the toilet. It's the one thing in their lives they control, and fighting with them to use the toilet will only make them more and more defiant. So, intellectually we know what we should be doing, but emotionally it's like, "dammit, I've been wiping butts for 7 years! I'm tired of poop!" ;-) One thing we've noticed with Connor is that when the house is calmer, he's calmer and more willing to do what we ask of him. We tend to rush around a lot, and when we slow the pace of the house down, he calms down a lot, and usually ends up using the toilet that day. Just food for thought I guess. Stressful ain't it? Hang in there.

LauraC said...

On the "I caused this to happen to my kid strain" let me be the first to speak up and say you did NOT do this to your kid. I think the best thing we can do as parents is sit back and accept our kids as they are, and help them work with their own issues. And realize WE ARE NOT in control.

I think we can beat ourselves up over guilt if we let ourselves. I think we all have our stumbling blocks in parenting. I mean really, look at my track record!

*had to CIO with the babies at 6 months
* thinking Nate had colic when it was reflux (and why is MY baby fussy!)
* can you say helmet?
* how about some hour long tantrums under the Christmas tree in Dec 2007
* using tv to stop the Nate insanity of 2.5 because I wanted to scream at him
* stool holding Nate who pooped in EVERY WET SWIM DIAPER ALL SUMMER

I don't think you could have done anything different. If there were a magical answer to potty training, then there would be no need for pullups.