There is a disclaimer to this post. Multiple ones:
1. In the scheme of things, this too shall pass. There are much more real issues in the world. Everyone has static in their lives, with kids, spouses, jobs, with themselves.
2. This has been part of a larger group of issues both child related and other causing a temporary bad patch lately. I tend to hunker down and become totally focused on the problem at hand and try to reason, compartmentalize, and micromanage my way out. Not always a good strategy, but my MO for as long as I can remember.
3. I can make any situation 100 times worse by relying on this strategy and failing to realize that sometimes you just need to change course.
Backstory- A year ago at our old daycare we made the decision to go diaper free. Ben was staying dry during the day at at the teachers prodding we agreed let's start to work on pooping on the potty. What has ensued for the last 12 months has been daily pooping, most days more than once in underwear. I should have bought stock in Borax.
We have tried everything: Sticker charts, potty only toys, special treats, character undies with a focus on keeping them clean.
As we started a new school I fully expected this to be an issue resulting in the eventual note from the teacher. It came last Friday in the form of a suggestion that we use pull ups as Ben while sitting everyday, continues to poop most days on the playground at both am/pm outside time. I asked if someone is prompting him to go even in the midst of play and they are. Ben seems to have built a good relationship with one of the teachers from his summer camp week and will sit for her.
I talked to this teacher as well as his lead teacher and got the same message of the school wants to do what is most supportive for your family, but we think some type of change is needed. At first my immediate reaction to push back and I voiced that I worried that we would loose the hard fought pee battle and regression would set in. Ben treated pull ups like a diaper when we had tried them before and since he couldn't wear them at school we opted to not do them at home. In hindsight I would have rethought continuing undies when come last January no progress had been made.
We talked to Ben over the weekend told him no undies until he could make a poop in the potty. We packed up all the undies and explained he was going to be wearing a diaper again until he could poop on the potty. We bought plain, no character super cheap pull ups that frankly once leaky would make him uncomfortable and more ready to admit pooping. Ben lost it when we put them on Sunday. Ben kicked, hit, and slapped me and later Bill. We stood firm and he wore them.
I sent a note to the teachers to which led to more confusion after my resistance on Friday. I tried to catch them both Monday and Tuesday afternoon but due to a super fun week at school, missed them. He repeated pooping behavior every day this week added to ongoing not napping or eating a substantial lunch. Truly a intersection of some of the worst of 3 year old triggers for nightly meltdowns.
I wish I could say that only Ben was the one throwing tantrums, but alas all those "I'll never be like my mom/dadisms" have seriously reared their ugly head this week in particular. I am so put out and tired, I feel like I am totally running on empty and would do just about anything for a chance of scenery.
I took Ben to the park earlier in the week to enjoy the fall weather. As planned we stopped at the potty on the way in and I continued to ask while there if his tummy hurt and needed to go sit. On the way out I discovered one of the worst messes ever. It was so bad that it was all over the toilet, in his socks, shirt, shorts and all over his legs and back. It was even on his face. I didn't bring wipes with me so I cleaned up the entire poopy public potty and then Ben using most of the bathroom paper towels. I carried him to the car wearing only shoes and shorts. classy.
Seriously this was the last straw for me, as I refused to talk to him on the way home afraid that if I opened my mouth, there was no telling what vile things would come out to regret later. Ben got the bath of a lifetime and super early bedtime for continued slapping and hitting both of us once he had a throw down in the door tantrum. Just as we got him to bed the power went off just to add insult to injury.
A friend reminded me that that it's his success and not mine. I also know that it's not for a lack of trying to be supportive of the steps to get to the end goal. Not since my total failure to breastfeed have I felt more like recipient of the loser parent award. Even in that miserable time I knew rationally that I did everything in my power to make it work.
At some point I will have to come to peace with this too. No one poops in their pants on the first day of high school (or admits it) and I know that given time this too shall pass and he will get there.
Prayers, Thoughts, Suggestions, Drinks in my Honor!
Friday, October 2, 2009
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3 comments:
I think Carolyn is right - it is their milestone. The way I am looking at it is that it is my job to provide support and cheerleading and encouragement and they will reach their milestone when they are physically and emotionally ready.
Here's the thing. I didn't feel like the world's best mom when Alex walked at 10 months nor did I feel like a bad mom when Nate was 9 months and still not crawling. There was no PHYSICAL reason they could not do those things, their brain needed to get there on their own.
Just as one day Ben decided he was ready to pee on the potty, one day Ben will be ready to poop on the potty. You will get there but you can't force it. But it has to be all him if it is going to stick.
Anyway not trying to throw assvice your way. I HAVE to keep a zen attitude or I would have lost it by now. Nate was potty sitting from 8:30-9:30 last night and I was unclogging a toilet until 10. In the meantime, Alex was sitting claiming to try to poop but he was just using it as an excuse to stay up late and read books.
Think of Wednesday as Poop Anger Intervention night!!
Oh man, Heather. I wish I had the perfect advice! I'm confused about why you didn't continue with the diapers during the week, though. All I can say is I would do the same thing--go back to square one, diapers or pull-ups. It's not what Ben wants, so that's hard. But parenting is hard. Things usually get worse before they get better. So keep that in mind and don't give up. And thanks for posting with such raw honesty. You have done nothing wrong and you are NOT a loser parent. Potty training is just NOT something that you can "make" work. They have complete control, and clearly, Ben loves a power struggle. I wish it was easier. But undoubtedly, one day, it will be!
Just because you can't breastfeed or your son won't poop on the potty doesn't mean you are a "loser" parent. My gosh, you are putting WAY too much pressure on yourself. That little boy knows you love him and would do anything in the world for him. He will eventually go in the potty and then just when you think it's all good, something else will come along. That's just how this roller coaster called parenting works. Don't sweat the things you have no control over. You have given him all the tools he needs, now he has to do the rest of the work himself and he will when he's ready.
Sounds like you have a strong willed little boy...I wonder where he gets that from? Surely not his mother? :) I'm sending prayers up for you and Congrats to Bill on the weight loss, he looks great!
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