Food on a Stick was Only the Beginning

Good weekend all around: date night, time with the kids, family walk, church with an ongoing series of messages I'm really connecting with, a friend came and did cooking with Ben as an incentive for behavior, we finally got the Halloween decorations stored, gym workout.

Throw in heading downtown to the annual Jr League Christmas Shopping Spree and I did absolutely nothing for work until late Sunday night. SWEET!

Our weekend paled in comparison to our trip a couple of Sundays ago to the NC State Fair. Can I just say that we spent 7 hours with an 18 month old in tow. Sadly the only picture I have of Ian that he is not moving, he looks like he's being lead to his execution. Take my word that under his tough, 18 month old typically throwing a fit exterior, he had a good time.

Crazy? Yeah I guess, but believe it or not but the kids were well behaved for the bulk of the trip. Our plan was to get to the fair when they opened to hit the kids rides before the crowds. We had prebought tickets, ride coupon books, and tickets to the demolition derby ahead of time.

We ran into our neighbors and did the kids area with them allowing Ben and their 5 year old to ride together. We opted to take Ian and their toddler daughter on several rides, which they loved.

After hot dogs, biscuits, roasted corn, and mini doughnuts we headed over the the arena for the demolition derby. I kid you not, I would pay good money again next year just to people watch before the show.


I give you the trifecta of awesomeness within 10 feet of our seats:

-Man with waist length hair, ZZ top beard, Scooby Doo Shirt, Camo shorts, and a trucker hat covered in mud

-Man with a walker, I HEART Jesus hat, bright safety yellow t shirt with fringed sleeves that was a good 3 sizes too small

-Teen boy sitting next to me with a white 10 gallon hat, shirt unbuttoned to the mid-nipple, and Smoky and the Bandit glasses.

Classy. I tried taking pictures but decided the odds of potential ass-kicking divided by opportunity to preserve via photo was just too high.

I did take the boys over the Dixie Outfitters t-shirt display and seriously thought about buying Ben one of the many inappropriate South will Rise Again shirts for sale. Had I not thought that the proceeds would go to fund Confederate Reenactments I was all in.

The demolition derby was a scream-fest of car crashing good time. Even Ian was clapping and smiling and until Bill took him out when the V8 15 car showdown, he held out and didn't melt down.

Both boys had a great time, loved the rides, animals, food, and yes the Demolition Derby.

Oh NC State Fair, goodness grows in NC. Indeed it does!

There is no crying in parent/teacher conferences

Earlier this week we met with Ben's teacher for a scheduled 1st quarter conference. Bill and I have both had the chance to meet his teacher, volunteer both in the classroom and on a recent field trip. We both really like her classroom methods and feel she's a good fit with Ben's personality. In particular she seems to have a never ending bag of tricks.

In the past weeks a month long streak of overall better behavior was broken by first hitting someone at recess last Friday and then on Tuesday, hitting in PE. Everyday has felt like a return to the daily pick-up walk of shame. Needless to say we have been in lockdown mode for a large part of this week with early bedtime, no Halloween candy, no tv, and several serious meetings. I felt as small as possible watching him sign his name to an incident report.

I'm needing the longest child-free weekend ever about now. Instead I'm going to settle that I'm not traveling to SC this weekend to deal with on going issues with Estate Probate, I'm caught up with all grading, I'm going to the Raleigh Jr. League Christmas Show, and the weather looks great to be outside.

Overall the majority of the conference covered that Ben is testing and working on average. His teacher gave us some ideas on additional things we can work on at home to help with penmanship, reading, and counting. Most of his homework is completed as part of his Friday take home bag and she wants us to add 10-15 mins if possible nightly.

Her take on Ben is that he is very capable, interested in learning, but also very quick to give up when challenged with new situations or ones that he comes bored with easily. Part of me knows that Ben is a typical, very active 5 year old boy with the attention span of a gnat. Bill and I often see the same attitude of giving up when challenged at home. We also are in the middle of whole new level defiance played out in multiple ways.

At this point due to the hitting and Ben's apathetic attitude afterwards we agreed that we needed to try a behavior contract. I am all too familiar with behavior contracts on the high school level. I have spent a large part of this week making those before the report card arrival calls. I also know that when you can create buy-in that you can change the outcome. We are talking over some new strategies at home and a new reward system that will parallel a daily check in with the behavior contract.

My biggest concern is the growing feeling that Ben identifies himself as a bad kid. His first words most days at pick up is if he had or didn't have time out. I try to meet him with a big hug and immediately tell him I'm really happy to see him and that's let talk in the car about all the good and also better choices we could have made. Just hearing how he talks about himself, it's completely in terms of being bad vs good.

I have no real words of wisdom or even that I feel I need to be doing anything differently that we already are. As much as I wish I could write a rosy,
Ben is doing fabulous and one step away from permanent accolades as a start student to be bumperstickered to my car, I'm also going to be totally honest that too many days than not, we are struggling to give it our parenting best and it has to be enough.

Halloween- the wrap up

Only a day late on the Halloween update but alas a new post. Despite the icky weather we had a great holiday weekend. We opted for Bill to only take Ben who joined up with our neighbors and their kids to hit the 20-30 houses within a 5 min walk of our house.

I stayed on the porch, put Ian in his costume (a Monkey, complete with banana in the pocket) and handed out candy. Ian couldn't have been happier stomping on the porch, dumping out the candy bowl, looking confused as I hit the fog machine each time new kids walked up. He got the best of Halloween without having to be out in the rain. Kudos to Bill for volunteering to do all of the trick o treating duty.

By 7:30 Ian was wiped out, was melting down, and the smell of poop forced us inside to get him in the bath and into bed. Ben followed shortly after and after a warm bath and inspection of the candy haul he too was also in bed.

One of the best aspects of the weekend was the block party Sunday night on our street. The kids of our newest neighbors have been planning this for over a month and they delivered a fun party for around 30 surrounding kids complete with planed games, a scavenger hunt, tons of food, music.

I know this is getting old, but I am so very glad that we took the leap of faith to buy this house when we did. We have loved getting to know this neighborhood through daily dog walks, becoming friends with our neighbors in a way we never did in our old neighborhood, and in general be reminded daily how much everything has fallen into place as we have fully moved in.

Bill as expected came home yesterday with bags upon bags of discounted Halloween decorations to be stowed away. Plans are already forming for Christmas decorating and what will be I'm sure another holiday to remember in our dream home.

and another year :)

passes by on my favorite day of the year. Last year come October 28th, I was on a one month media hiatus with no posts on this day. I looked back and this is what I wrote as a pregnant 34 year old in 2009. I have to agree I feel the same today.

"....a date that matters to no one but me. No big fanfare or sharing the day with family or friends. You know, those little dates in time that are not celebrated with cake or flowers but that you know the significance."

I had hoped in 2009 for a normal day to detail baby kicks and a then pooping in underwear Ben who cried when his balloon floated away. Today I was a typical Friday filled with a 18 month squealing at his first school party as well as his daily accident report to sign, a 5 year old with a discipline report and resulting early bedtime, dinner that was ordered while I walk the dog, and a mound of end of the quarter late work to grade before Monday.

For this normal, even boring day, I'll even throw in removal of a staple embedded in my thumb and even a consult appointment made today (for me) for a Cardiologist to rule out what I already know is not an issue. No worries today, I tell you.

Exactly what I want. A normal, nothing significant day and the chance to do it all again tomorrow.

One of our favorite fall activities

One of our favorite things to do as a family during the fall is a pumpkin patch visit. Like everyone else, we will carve pumpkins for Halloween. We also have two fake pumpkins that we use every year until the real ones are cut. Our house has been decorated for Halloween for the entire month of October.

Sadly Bill has been outdone by our neighbors who put up a giant, inflatable moving black cat over the weekend. As you can imagine we are already in pre-Christmas decoration planning mode. This weekend we have our neighborhood fall festival as well as a block party on our street. We are again dressing up as Woody and Jessie with the boys going as Captain America and a Monkey.



Hill Ridge Farms is hands down one of our favorite places to go during the fall. This year they offered free admission to not only teachers but their ENTIRE families opening weekend. YAY!


We met up with friends and drove out to the boondocks outside Raleigh for a fun afternoon. One of the reasons I love this pumpkin farm more than other, closer locations is simply all the things to do besides just a pumpkin patch.


From spring to late fall the farm is open for birthday parties and school groups. There is a train, giant slide, petting zoo, feeding fish, bounce house, 2 mazes, separate hay and corn jumps, a tee-pee (very smelly inside), and a fort. We were here around 5 hours and finished our visit with a haywagon ride to pick out pumpkins (also free for teachers!)


We've been to other pumpkin patches in the area but Hill Ridge is worth the drive for all the extra things to keep two very active boys busy. The added bonus that we went for free and walked away with four pumpkins was even sweeter.

Field Trip!!!

20 kindergartners on their 1st field trip of the year = wrangling cats just might be easier.

Bill and I are both trying to be as involved as possible by each chaperoning a trip as well as volunteering in Ben's classroom once a month this school year. Being part of this trip was actually Ben's teacher's suggestion back in the first weeks of school as a way to see Ben interacting in the class as well as to see how she and the teacher assistant run the class.

Plus as a county employee I was already cleared and didn't have to go through the volunteer process.

This was a WIN-WIN situation as Ben's behavior was some of the best teacher reported she had seen since the start of the year, plus who doesn't love getting to feel like they are back in elementary school among 20 energetic five year olds.

I had a small group of all boys, including Ben as well as several of his friends. This too was helpful to see Ben interact with kids whose names (and misbehavior) have become dinner conversation.

Part of the morning was spent at the State Farmers market where the kids had specific items to find and buy with chaperon help. Later we traveled to a local park for a picnic. Sadly the final part didn't happen due to the weather, but you have never known they were missing any planned activity. They had a blast from start to finish.

I decided not to mention that I was a school employee. We've just come off a contested school board election as well as a very controversial vote about student assignment. Good call, as the conversation among the moms was about the politics of the board.

Instead I focused on making the most of the day away from work and spending it with Ben. At bedtime we talked about our favorite parts of the day, the scavenger hunt to find our group mystery object, yellow mums, eating lunch together, the nasty bathroom, and recounting that his teacher commented on his good choices all day.

Super Score on all levels.

take two

Apologies for the negativity yesterday. When you start the day sliding across the floor in cold dog pee before 6 am, there's really only one way to go. Lots of ick yesterday including issues with my mom's probate court case and behavior from everyone. By 8 pm I called uncle and got out of the house once the kids were in bed. I did a bunch of work, came home and watched mindless tv (ok, it was really nerdy Frontline)

I'm taking a day off to chaperone Ben's field trip today. Later I'm going to work with the trainer and sadly I'm looking forward to whatever she has in store. It's totally worth an unpaid day to spend the day with Ben and take a much needed day off from school. I might be tempted to just stay home again soon and do something wild like fold laundry, alone.

Here's the deal, things are going well even if I can't shake the feeling like I started the school year running to catch up before day 1. I'm really trying to make life work this fall and approach everything with a positive do what is most important and let the rest go attitude. Really, no repeats of past work mistakes.

So, can you remind me of perspective when I'm sliding in dog pee as my wake up call?

Calling All Cars

This post has been intended for the last good two weeks, but then life happens and somehow keeping everyone in clean underwear takes priority. As much as I wish I could make time everyday to journal the banal of my thirtysomething life, I just don't have or better yet take the time.

So what's been going on in the last couple of weeks.

1. Seriously considering giving up the online part time job. Even with just one class the amount of work is taking up a good 2 + hours a night and a block of time on the weekend. I usually start as soon as I get the kids in bed,kitchen cleaned up and lunches packed, so from around 9-11on a good night I'm still "at work". Kid you not that I fell asleep talking to students and parents on the phone the other night. I think that might be a sign?!?

If I give it up I most likely will not get summer work as with a lack of a state test there is less demand for the class = less sections of the class to be taught. The question here is "why am I keeping this is I don't intend to go back to only part time work in the near future."

2. A colleague in my department was diagnosed with cancer days before school started. We have all been teaching his classes, planning, copying, grading, ect. While any of us would step up even if it wasn't the expectation it's more work. When I say I have been bringing home a shopping bag of work, it's no exaggeration.

3. While on the work issue, permit me to say that not having a classroom sucks like something fierce. I'm a super organized person to begin with, but being all over a school making my way through 2,000 students with no home base is hard. Period. The plus is I've lost weight as I have no time to eat most days, unless I can do it one- handed. Maybe I'll get some good "food on a stick" ideas at the state fair this weekend.

4. On the whole weight loss issue, I'm down thanks to the roaming mobile home, being too tired to eat once I cook dinner, trying to still get 15 miles in a week, working with a personal trainer who has me running 1 mile sprints interspersed with 20 mins of boxing. Can I just say I LOVE being able to punch something. This might be the best form of therapy ever.

5. On the personal training, once we got the house under contract I gave myself an early Christmas present of 12 weeks of training before the surgery. This is the mother of all Last Chance workouts.

6. Surgery is on like Donkey Kong. 7 am on Dec 20th to be specific. I just recently got the days approved to be out the week of the surgery and if needed an additional week if needed in January. My MIL will be here the 24t-28th to help with the boys as both are out of school/daycare.

While I haven't been super public on this for a bunch of reasons. The reality of the surgery itself and a multi week recovery is starting to settle in. When I mentioned to someone last week I was having surgery and tried to explain a surface, sanitized version I really cannot explain what this surgery is/need for/desire to put myself through this. For the first time I am a bit speechless.

Given that I'm closing in on 70 lbs lost since Ian was born and really I haven't gotten more than, "is that new as I am wearing Pre-Ben pregnancy clothes compliment" I'm secretly hoping that I look drastically different. First to admit vanity is not my best attribute and that I live slave to some crazy idealized version of myself.

So the plus side to what seems a super negative spin on the last few weeks of being really MIA. Things really have been good, rolling along. Just insanely busy.

1. My mom's house clean out went well and faster than expected. We gleaned an entire truckload to be donated/tossed. Hard yes, but did I expect it to be a cakewalk?
2. I'm routinely getting about 6 hours of sleep without meds.
3. I'm spending as much possible time when home with the boys.
4. I really love this church I've been lurking around at Sundays. The thought of being involved to some degree has crossed my mind (time commitment is key here)
5. I've just read two really wonderful books
6. I'm chaperoning Ben's field trip tomorrow.
7. For the most part behavior by Ben has been better, esp at home and at school. He even helped me carry in the groceries.
8. Having only one house is awesome.
9. Plans to have my brother come for Thanksgiving and if possible join us at the beach for a long weekend
10. Ian while full on active at 18 months finally has a couple more words and is trying animal sounds.

So this is now. I'm trying very hard to Work 6, Play/Rest 1 a major priority, even if it feels like my life is ending one min at a time and I'm scrambling to make it all work.

NEWS SO AWESOME I AM SCREAMING IT!!!!

Yesterday we sold our house. Yes it's been crazy hard to sit on this news as we have been super mum as not to jinx this awesomeness.

We sold it in exactly 90 days. In this economy we listed on June 14th and went under contract on Sept 14th. CRAZY good luck.

We happily made someone first time home buyers yesterday as we signed over 204 Blooming Meadows to a new family.

The academy would like thank our agent, David Henry Johnson. Remember when I interviewed like a Christmas pageant of agents back in April?

The only agent not to lavish us with hollow accolades (or to quote Tommy Boy, remember that?) He was honest about the work to be done to get it market ready and then got people in the house all summer long. I would recommend him to anyone in the Triangle area buying or selling as someone super professional and also super funny (always a plus in my book.)

Ok, true confession time.

I went over on Tuesday to grab the last of the stuff. I couldn't stop crying going room to room. It was even worse when Bill and I made one last run with the kids on Tuesday night. Hot mess = borderline embarrassing.

But...

How many times did I drive into the driveway, prepare meals in the kitchen, swing and play with the boys in the backyard, walk the dog to the nearby park, remember birthday parties with a giant waterslide, live the daily grind first as newly married folk to ones bringing home two babies across the threshold.

All good wishes to the new family with two young kids with hopes they will create their home in the same space.

I give you a view from a new window. One that brings a smile to my face. The one of an ongoing baseball game in the front yard. The current site of so many Halloween decorations we look like a Target post decoration fire sale. ***Note*** that Bill is still not finished and has been banned from displaying anything detailing arterial spray.

102 is the house where the boys play everyday with our neighbors, the house of my dream fantasy of front and back porches calling for relaxing, the future site of a game room for all male Vinsons, the house where Ben mooned our neighbor's husband yesterday resulting in a public apology. The house of many memories in the making.

I'm looking forward to awkwardly posed prom pictures in front of the mantle, growth charts detailing Ben and Ian outgrowing me by a good half a foot by age eighteen, the one where they will literally eat us out of house and home in the next decade.

AWESOME NEWS INDEED. Goodbye (finally) 204.

102 was a trade up but you will always be our first love.

October is:

Pumpkin patch visits, cool nights that beg for the first fire of the season, fleeting warm afternoons reminiscent of summer days, butternut squash soup with parmesan crisps, my fall/winter uniform of my favorite jeans, a black turtleneck, and clogs, cute toddler overalls for Ian and jeans with double knees for sliding for Ben, sleeping curled up with my favorite blanket, returning inside on cold mornings for a needed fuzzy jacket, crisp apples in lunch bags, the NC State Fair in all it's deep-fried goodness, decked out front porches a glow in Halloween decorations thanks to my 3 kids at heart, warm fall spiced lattes, steakhouse chili in triplicate batches, costume shopping with the boys for the perfect ensemble, trick or treating in new places, fall walks for leaves and other outdoor treasures a plenty, time to celebrate my favorite day and also season of the year once again.

Another month of limited to-do lists other than to enjoy all 31 days with my two favorite pumpkin pickers.

Six Flags over Jesus

One of the most unlikely phrases to come out of my mouth lately has been, "I'm getting up early on Sunday to make the first service at church." Even stranger, "I'm going to church for this thing this coming Saturday night." Yes, come again the words CHURCH and SATURDAY night in the same sentence.

Back last fall I put on my Mondo list that finding a church was important. As much as I would like to find somewhere that Bill is also comfortable, I know that if I feel at home the boys and Bill (maybe) will follow. In the past couple of months I've been regularly attending a church near our new home.

A super short history of my feelings about religion:

Raised in a fairly strict Southern Baptist home. Went to church on Sunday morning for Sunday school and again in the afternoon for choir followed by Sunday night services. I went on Wednesdays for handbells and Bible Drill (in elementary school), and later youth group on Wednesday nights. I also was involved in a bible study in friends' homes on Tuesday night. Needless to say I spend a lot of time at church.

While I wouldn't say that I lived in a Footloose-esque, "dancing will get you into Hell" household, my parents (mom especially) expected that I conform to what they felt was living a moral life influence by church attendance and also participation. My mom at one point even paid me to go to week long church camp.

I'll be honest, being involved with a church anchored me, my friends were also members, at times it was something I fell back on as a safety net. I don't regret that it was as big as part of my life as it was at the time. But, I also had a growing mistrust and openly disagreed with some of what I saw then and also now as hypocrisy of what I was being taught and my life outside the church.

My parents wanted me to go to a southern Baptist college and insisted that if they were helping pay any portion, that I would "consider" at least a handful of schools affiliated with the church. My mom, grandmother, and aunts had all attended Furman University in Greenville, SC.

At the time around Sophomore year I was looking at pre-med programs and began to look at what med schools were even the slightest bit attainable. Big ol' pipe dream in hindsight. I looked at the University of Texas with Baylor University as undergrad and also Samford University with University of Alabama as a possibility. I got into both undergrad schools and in the end not only got out of premed when I couldn't pass organic chemistry after 3 times and had also met my now husband. The crazy thing is Bill and never really fit at Samford. I often say that within 12 months I managed to find the biggest sinner (or fellow sinner) on campus and then moved in with him (a serious values violation at a school with closed dorms).

You have to understand that the campus was completely dry, you could be issued values violations, had to attend convocation weekly, and did I mention that many people dated by attending the area mega Churches (aka...Six Flags over Jesus) on a Friday night. I met some wonderful, very spiritual people who I know that the school was a perfect fit, but I also know that it wasn't for either of us. Only after going to UNC-Chapel Hill for grade school did I feel like I got an authentic college experience, not a sanitized, artificial college experience.

We attended churches as a married couple and have in the 10 years that we have lived here. We even joined a church and Ben was baptized at a church that we frequently attended Sunday services. But it always felt as an adult that I am doing this because I think I am suppose to. I'm not really getting anything out of it, in fact it's been a really long time since I felt like faith and spiritually really ment anything to me.

With the move I made it a priority to start church shopping and have found a church that I actually want to go to, make it on my weekend to-do, like the format of the service, like the fact that every week I have gone I find myself thinking about something in the message long after it's over.

I like the informality, the kids like the childcare, I like that they have a strong teenage program. I like that there are no hymns or ceremony to the service. I like that these are some of the friendliest people I have ever met without feeling like they are one step away from drinking some Jonestown Kool-aid. I like that there is no pressure to participate.

I like that one of the co-ministers look like he might moonlight as tattoo artist. It's been a really long time since I felt like I was being invited to be a part of something bigger than myself instead of being preached at by a punitive parental figure.

Maybe it's because in the weeks after my mom's death I'm looking for a still, quiet place to be alone with the ick is still very much just under the surface.

Maybe.

It's really ironic that the first time I visited here was the day before she died. In my final phone conversation, I almost mentioned to her that I was had been visiting churches but then didn't. My going to church as well as why the boys didn't go regularly was a continual source of contention. It was just easier not to say anything, so I stayed mum.

Regardless, it's something that I'm making time for right now. It's something that I'm making a priority. It's something that helps center and start the week in a positive place.

ps... traveling to SC this weekend for a meeting with the estate probate attorney and to start on the house clean out. I could use some good thoughts, support, whatever you want to throw my way. While I haven't been super public in the weeks after either publically or in writing, I'm still very much working through some really hard stuff gradually.

Thanks-

Happy to report...

a good report from Ben's teacher at pick up. "He's trying, and while he does backslide during points of the day, I'm seeing him making an effort consistently every day."

I asked her to say it again in front of him with Ben repeating what he heard. He was beaming. We high-fived and did the Ben cheer in the parking lot.


At home we have been rewarding good behavior with extra books at bedtime, getting his one 30 min show back after dinner, extra time alone with a parent on the weekend. Last weekend Bill took him to the Lowes kid's clinic. This was the first time he had signed up for the make it/take it craft (a firetruck.)

A friend has offered to come do some special cooking with him if he keeps up the good behavior. Tonight he was demonstrating his karate moves and I asked him if he would like to maybe take some classes. Maybe, let's see how the next month goes.

Since poor Ian seems to be barely mentioned, he is thriving at daycare. He has made the transition well, loves his teachers and seems to be his normal happy self everyday. Being the miracle workers they are, he is taking a consistent 2 hour nap each day. He seems thoroughly worn out and ready to crash once we put him down.

I called today to make flu shot appointments and also asked if we should go ahead and been seen about ongoing concerns with his few words (still only 3 on a good day) from the summer 15 month appointment. So now we are waiting to hear if we need to go ahead with a referral, so we can discuss results at his upcoming 18 month appointment, or just need to wait until the normal appointment.

In my heart I'm not concerned, he babbles continually, points, hears normally and seems to be hitting his targets for everything else. I think this is more a case of male, 2nd kid, gross motor over linguistic ability. Still it was worth the call and in an age of early interventions if we need to investigate speech intervention therapy for him then we will.

Even though we are in the throws of 18 months toddler antics, Ian also greets us everyday with laughing, smiles, and lots and lots of squealing. He eats blueberries, really any fruit you put in front of him, like candy. He loves playing outside and almost always can be seen in his cozy coupe or pushing his play lawn mower along side the bike riding in the cul de sac. He is a bundle of sweetness (and energy) and is looking more and more like a little boy over any signs of a baby with each passing day.

I feel like a poster child for suburban life. A good life, indeed.

My Friday Post on Monday

I had planned to update my ongoing house (ok, like I post one picture then stopped) of the different rooms in our new(er) house.

Friday turned into Saturday and then well, you know.

Here was the planned post but with some editing since the weekend was a quiet, much needed weekend to get some stuff done.

I've loving looking out the back door to see double parking on tap almost every night by 6:30. For our entire married life we have always lived a minimum 30 mins from work, friends, Target.

Target alone was grounds for moving.

We now are under 15 mins for Bill, 20 mins for me, 5 mins for school, 10 for daycare and most importantly: 5 for Target.

For the first time ever as a family we are able to eat dinner as a family, split bedtime and next day prep, and in general just be able to see the boys for a longer part of each day.

While not the most attractive picture but we also for the first time have room for both cars, all the bikes under the stairs, a growing collection of sports equipment, and best of all an extra fridge and my beloved freezer.

We are investigating putting storage shelving along the walls to get stuff up off the floor.

Not the most exciting weekends on tap but plans for time alone with each kid, time to get caught up for a busy week ahead and planned SC run next weekend.

*** Weekend Update***
Nice and quiet weekend. While not completely finished with grading, I did make a dent and should have an easier week, sorted and washed fall clothes for the boys, usual shopping and errands, Sat am spin class + core work, dog walking, church, plans for my MIL to come up in Dec finalized, big freeze ahead session to split between us and my brother, successful meal out with both boys, dinner meet up with a friend resulting in us both determined to be more involved with the Obama 2012 campaign than just monetarily, and then GOOD WIFE premiere last night.

Not watching Good Wife? Shame on you.

So, So, good and a 20 year crush on Josh Charles doesn't hurt :)

New Fall Line Up

We have been working over the last month to figure out how to make the AM rush work. So far Bill and I are partnering to divide and conquer. As two chronically late people this has been challenging, and yes Ben has been introduced to the dreaded tardy slip already.

School Days look something like this:

5:30/45- Heather up
6:00- Bill up
6:20- Kids up

We try to have lunches, clothes, backpacks ready to go the night before. Bill gets the boys ready while I take care of the dog, deal with last minute stuff, and lay out everything to go out the door.

6:30- Heather (should be) leaving
6:50- Bill takes Ben to the bus then Ian into daycare.

By 7:30 everyone is at school or work. Pick up is by 5pm if at all possible earlier everyday.

From 5- 6pm Ben rides his bike or plays hockey/baseball/football in our front yard. We have 3 families with young kids within a couple of houses so there is usually a masse of testerone outside.

I get dinner going and then take Ian out and let him play while I help supervise the kids. With the super early wake up, bedtime/bath starts at 7pm.

Most notable in this new fall schedule is my ability to say No.

My new phrase for all concerned is, "Sorry but NO"

Want to sponsor a club-No
Want to take on a leadership roll within your department-No
Want to serve on this committee/meeting/chance to better yourself-NO
Want to fix this copier using only a ball point pin and your wits- NO

I am super protective of any and all things that suck time away from getting home, getting the boys, spending time with them, taking care of the house, getting online work finished at a reasonable hour and going to bed.

We are intentionally not doing a fall extracurricular activity with Ben but rather are swapping Saturday mornings for a breakfast date to do something alone with him. It's too busy to keep up a date night during the school week and the kids need the extra sleep. This also gives Ian some much needed curse of the forgotten 2nd child time with one parent. We may consider karate later this winter as a posssible good behavior reward.

Being so much closer to life was a major selling point for us. So far while there are still kinks to work out, the new fall line up is working most days.

Just Like the Preacher's Daughter

I'm on a first name basis with Ben's kindergarten teacher. He's been in school just over 3 weeks. Yes, this sucks like you can't imagine to have to do the walk of parent shame every day at pickup.

As a teacher myself I can tell you that when I know a student's name by the end of the first day, it's not good. So I can tell you that Ben's teacher most likely had already moved his seat after the first day.

Ben was very excited to be starting kindergarten. We talked it up in the weeks leading up the the big day. He had a great staggered entry day back on the 30th of August and started full time later that week.

On the first day, really the FIRST DAY of his public education I was met at pick up with a Come to Jesus meeting about behavior in class. It went a little something like this:

Me- "I hope he had a good day"

Teacher-" Can we talk just a minute, and I want you to know that I appreciate the note you sent about the recent events (moving, grandparent death). I think it's always important to know what is going on at home and how it impacts what happening in the classroom." Ben had a really rough day with behavior.

Me- "Can you give me some insight? Examples? What did he do today so that I can talk to him tonight"

Teacher- Examples given. Tons o examples including shouting out answers, getting up during circle time, telling the teacher, "I'm not going to do that", "I don't hear you" and turning his back to her. Also included lots of talking, horse playing in the hall, lunchroom, bathroom basically anywhere they were expected to be in a line". He even tried to pull a 5th grader to the ground over some paper airplane. Really Ben, a 5th grader? It's almost like he never went to preschool and was socialized.

Me- Biggest SIGH ever. I go on to say that I'm not surprised and elaborate that we have seen all of that at home at different times but that overall he had a good summer. I go on to talk about what we do at home for discipline, the ground rules in our house and also go on to say that Ben needs someone on him like a hawk due to a recent development of lying.

I think at one point I may have said he's acting like a 5 year old tool. Maybe. I hope I didn't say anything worse in my total embarrassment. I did say as the conversation got around to what I teach and that my freshman may be easier to handle than a manipulative five year old.

I at some point make the statement, "You will see him more than I will Monday-Friday for the next 10 months" I want us to be on the same page and we will do whatever it takes to reel this in and shut this down.

And we have. Most of the last weeks I have been in almost daily communication in email with his teacher. I like her. She's old school and doesn't put up with anything. She's the taskmaster that Ben needs over a touch-feely "honey don't do that kinda teacher." Ben's best preschool teachers were those that loved him but did so with an iron fist to shut down behavior. Remember the teacher that help get him potty trained. I owe her big time.

In the past weeks behavior has gotten better, but it almost is 2 steps forward and one back. For the time we are in the car alone before picking up Ian we talk about his day. Some days Ben tells me, "I am not going to talk to you." Big clue to wait until later, maybe have Bill ask. But for sure to check in with his teacher in the next 24 hours as most likely he got into trouble.

I hate this. I hate that my kid is the problem child, the one she is having to spend what time I know she doesn't have to communicate with me. If this was last summer I would take responsibility for some checked out parenting contributing to this mess.

Overall we had a good summer, even in the weeks after dealing with the stress of my mom's death and all the stuff of going back to school I swore that I was going to not check out on parenting with him. I can honestly say that where I've faltered in other areas, I've been sticking to my guns with him.

The good news is that Bill and I are on the same page. At home we are in lockdown mode on the worst days including no tv, bins of toys that are locked in my car that have been taken away, dinner in his room following by early bedtime. We are using a progression of discipline where we go over what will happen, which punishments will occur if I talk to his teacher or the after school director and have a bad report. I greet him with a big hug everyday but he also seeing me talking to the adults before we leave. Believe me, after a really long day this the last thing I need before starting the dinner and bedtime dance.

We have had some improvement and ever so slowly Ben is getting back privileges and his beloved Legos/cars/action figures. The one thing we will not take away is bedtime book and nighttime routine. We are using that time to also reiterate that he is a good boy and needs to be the "Best Ben he can be at home and at school." Since he is obsessed with superheros we have a cheer and hand gestures to go along with this daily mantra.

In the meantime I expected some type of adjustment to new school, new schedules, new friends, but holly hell child, there's nothing like you showing yourself on the first day. The teacher's kid is just like the preacher's daughter being the biggest sinner in church. For real this SO sucks.

I want Ben to like school. I want him to be a good student, even if he's ultimate C or God forbid worse student. If that's the best he can do, then that's all I can ask. I was the most average of students who played school well and gave it only what I had to get by. No amount of punishment from my parents made me any smarter or try any harder. I want lay the starting school groundwork carefully and not turn Ben off now or make him feel that he is a bad kid who can do nothing right.

I don't want Ben to be the kid that the teacher looks at and counts how many more years 'til retirement. I have this fear that Ben is the 5 year old version of my checked out, totally disinterested, waiting to get out of the house freshmen. I find myself thinking what else can I do to turn this around and am trying really hard not to second guess how we have parented in the last 5 years.

So far our strategy is to partner with Bill and his teacher on a daily basis and be consistent with discipline and consequences from school to home. I have asked his teacher how we can best help support what she is doing at home. We are all staying on Ben even when it would be easy to parent from another room or another floor or let him do something because it's easier on us. We are trying to be a united front and we are both just drained already with this fall schedule, so this is just adding to our stress.

So not the most happy of starting school reports. I know that on some level he likes going, loved this first homework project of creating a life-sized Ben complete with a rainbow shirt, camo shorts, and tattoos of a race car and a cement mixer. We sing Chica Chica Boom Boom in the car. We come up with a list of 5 good things that happen every day.

I love him too much not to fight for him and rather against him. I know that Bill and what is proving to be a divine intervention of teacher placement, Mrs. S, do too.

Good-bye Summer 2011

The recent cool fall weather ushered in autumn and the end of a memorable summer.

A much longer post in the works but to sum up our summer in my favorite pictures.


June- FL trip to see family, a big 5th birthday, preschool graduation, and packing, packing, packing up the old house.



July- Family vacation to the Outer Banks, trips to see old high school and college friends, and then Moving, Moving, Moving into our perfect family home



August- Trading day-camp for kindergarten, daycare start, return to full time work, goodbyes, and learning new schedules


Welcome Fall with cool days and nights, trading shorts for jackets, walks in the neighborhood to collect leaves and other treasures, Halloween excitment build-up, pumpkin carving, and my favorite month and day of the year.

Good bye summer 2011. Even though the list of fun didn't get anywhere near accomplished it was a great, great run.



Looking forward to many more days with my favorite V-boys. My sweet Ben and Ian who love (and fight) like brothers only can.

Back (not really), but a tiny check in

Still here. I've been laying low intentionally, protecting the time I have once home to what absolutely has to be done for work and to keep us in dinner and clean clothes. Frankly with the return to work and adjustments with school and schedule it's been a big adjustment for me too. There's some long post I'm sure coming about the last month, but not today.

So... I am still here, all Vinsons are doing ok or better, and everyone is getting used to a fall routine that involves super early wake ups.

We are in the middle of the 18 month Ian craziness/crankiness period. He's currently cutting 2 teeth and while finally sleeping at school, appears to being giving his teachers a workout. Bill is convinced Ben never acted like this and I just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Ben has been on secret double probation of late for some really nasty school behavior. Including a 1st day of school Come to Jesus meeting for being disrespectful to his teacher. Yeah, DAY ONE of his public education. Nothing like him pulling some preacher's daughter action to feel embarrassed in front of another teacher for my kid.

Thanks Ben, like life needed a little more stress right now. In all seriousness, we are clamping down and have removed all toys from his room, no tv, and as of tomorrow will be instituting eating dinner in his room with only bath and bed to look forward to once home. We've been in contact with his teacher and feel there is a conference on the horizon.

Yesterday started with my dropping an entire cup of coffee in a file box of freshly sorted work before 7 am and ended with me bailing on calling students in place of falling asleep to the Miss Universe pageant because I was too lazy to find the remote that Ian had hidden. Did I mention that 18 months is a one way ticket to crazytown.

Open house at school tonight and just got home after 9pm. Thought (seriously) about striking up a convo with the bevy (try <10 families that finally found me with my traveling classroom schedule) about how my homegirl of Miss Brazil really flubbed up her do or die question about saving the children while pursuing a broadcast journalism degree.

Think I got home early?

Nope. Plus I still don't know who won Dammit.

Back later with more pressing news. Maybe.

3990? yeah I'll be all over that, maybe more like not likely

Welcome back Mrs. Vinsen, Vincent, Benson, Venison, really...

How about Vinson folks, I did used to work here at one point. Just a sampling of some of the ways my name has been spelled on the various items welcome back to full time work need you to fill out paperwork.

Best yet was finally getting my work email operational after not opening it since 4/1/2010. Yes, a full 17 months ago.

3990 emails in my inbox. The one time I tried to open it during this hiatus, I shut my computer down. Taking that a sign from God that I need to remember my whole work/quality of life ongoing issue, I never opened it again until I showed back up two weeks ago.

It's been a memorable August. Actually I'm very ready to close the door on this month and move on. You know why, I know why.

I mailed the last of the sympathy thank yous today only to receive a two page handwritten letter from my mom's high school best friend. What a nice and unexpected gesture from some lady I've never met. I may keep it, as her words while tear invoking, were genuine, authentic and recalled my mom as young, healthy, with her whole life ahead of her.

Just thinking about the planned trip to see my mom that was suppose to happen this holiday weekend, the one celebrating kindergarten and day care starts is going to make for some hard days ahead. It was the first time in a long time Brian was going on a beach trip with friends. While he is still going, I feel a little lost not about to pack up for the weekend trip and do some of the special things I had planned.

The last time I talked to my mom part of the conversation was her excitement about this weekend,how much she was looking forward to seeing the boys and wanted to be a part of their new school year.

As I move into September with almighty plans to just keep moving ahead, keep trying to make the most of the time with the boys between school pick up and bedtime, trying to stick to my plans of not working more than I need to, plans to keep exercise and sleep as a priority, simply keeping going.

No insane crazy posted list of productivity for September, only to remember priorities. Believe me cleaning out 3990 emails is not anywhere in the top ten.

Warrior Dash = Multi-Shower-worthy

Laura's write up yesterday was a perfect recount of our weekend trip for Carolinas Warrior Dash. In particular I am reeling in disgust and now renounce that I found the lake my favorite obstacle after seeing the algae. Was I SO ready to be done that I didn't even notice the vile filth I was wading through?

SO.GROSSED.OUT

More than a couple of students commented on my very nasty weeping blister and skinned knees in class yesterday. When I mentioned a race with obstacles over the weekend, the look was priceless. These new kids have known me 3 days. I'm looking for rock star status if I can keep up this insanity of a teacher who is a really a wanna-be Katniss(laughable).

I'm thinking that if I can pry the hat off Ben I will be wearing it for my World History class olympics this Friday and keep this charade going. A fitting tribute for what was one of the most fun and also physically exhausting days of my life.

At some point after signing up I must have looked back at the obstacles. Surely, I did or was I that nuts not to bail earlier? It wasn't until the riding in the car that a little panic set in as we recounted what to expect. As we took off and I fell behind our group running the first leg I started having a sinking feeling that this was really going to be a struggle to finish and I was indeed the weakest link.

Struggle as defined as punting on the VERY FIRST obstacle. By the end I bailed on 2 of the 8 and walked at good mile of the 5k run. Not quite the finish I had wanted but I finished all the same. A huge thanks to our team for waiting patiently for me to make it to Lake Nasty to finish as a group.

Somewhere after the oh so lovely pulling myself out of a garbage dumpster and rounding the next leg of running did my left arm start tingling and then went numb. It spread to the right and at some point I started walking trying to catch my breath and also figure out what was going on. I realized yesterday that pulling myself out of that dumpster must have lead to some type of injury as I have a crazy nasty bruise developing in a none to fun place for this busty girl.

Warrior Dash was pure awesome adrenaline-fused fun. I never in my life, esp the one where I dreaded having to run a mile in gym class every Monday, that 20+ years later I would be crawling through mud and jumping fire and loving every minute of being able to finish something so physical.

Will I ever do another Warrior Dash? Maybe, post surgery and post some better outside running stamina building. My summer plans were high jacked by summer insanity. As much as I would love to make a 1/2 marathon a goal for my 40th birthday, I now realize just how far that dream is from attaining.

Hands down I will be moving forward with a Wipeout themed 6th birthday party planing. While no mud, jumping fire, or anything as crazy as Warrior Dash this is happening. Based on Ben's comments watching the WD promo video online, thinking I'm IN it no less, this kid is so ready for a pint sized version to get crazy messy.

Warrior Dash-So multi-post-shower worthy indeed.

I admit I read this book because of ONE cheesy Oprah interview comment

"for such a short time they are yours, and then they belong to the world"

From Rob Lowe's name dropping-a-thon trashy good read in reference to his now teenage sons. I dare say that reading about raising sons and being raised in a family of boys is opening myself up to some community judgement. Pretty-boy Rob Lowe giving parenting advice. Really.

While I don't recommend it to be adopted for the next edition of the Norton Anthology, it was a quick, good time of a read. My attention span has been non existent of late, so this was a nice bridge into the mindless.

A short check in as with the start of school later this week it's going to be a repeat of last week's 7 days in crazytown.

Back full time, full time for daycare after phase in, Kindergarten teacher reveal and assessment. Since I don't have a classroom and am traveling throughout the school day into other teachers' rooms and I'm really tired. I may be 150 lbs thinner since I last had to travel classrooms, but I'm 8 years and 2 kids older.

I spent most of the first days back unpacking a decade+ of teaching into a single cubicle. Even after a major purge I still have too much stuff. The thing is, in teaching since budgets are never really flush with funding, you keep stuff believing you will never have time or money to replace. Hence why I still have 10 year old projects of sponge replicas of the Federal Court Model.

Ian seems to be settling in, Ben is in the last week of camp and will have his single staggered entry day the following week. He's very excited and after MUCH discussion (and Bill doing full on am rush routine alone), has relented to let Ben ride the school bus in the am. Ben is beyond syked to ride a real bus, but is overly concerned about the lack of a bathrooms on school buses in general. Thus leading to many a conversation about why the bus driver will not stop on the side of the road.

Staying busy is helping but in the quiet, still (and rare) moments it's not being able to tell my mom about Ben's crazy bus story or share in the start of new school for the boys. This is the part that is going to continue to be hard to want to check in with her and remember that I can't.

Most likely not back this busy week, but expect by next Monday for some mud covered weekend pics of Warrior Dash Carolinas.

Checking In and also Out for a bit

Thank you to everyone who commented here and also sent me private messages of support in the last week. It meant the world to know that even if I didn't respond that Brian and I were being held in your space.

Most of last week I spent in continuous motion with Brian dealing with planning, making arrangements, and in general doing anything I could to push the impending task of being in her house, getting through the funeral, and the after to start.

The after has definitely started and the drive home and the last couple of days have been very hard. For as much as I was ready for this, I also wasn't. Without turning this into an over-share regrettable post that has no place being public right now, some of the revelations that accompanied last week have almost been harder than the death itself.

Some people keep a lawyer on retainer, me a therapist. I've already left a message with her service for when she returns from her annual August long vacation to contact me. I was wrapping up seeing her and frankly have not graced her door since spring. I felt that I was way overdue to end what has become more like a quarterly check in rather than real work. Looks like in addition to the vacation house I have built out of co-pays that I'll be adding a guest cottage.

With Ian starting day care today, Ben kindergarten Tuesday and me a return to full time work on Wednesday I am dropping out of posting this week, maybe next. It's going to be a really busy week and I need every bit of energy I have to exist.

After my dad died a decade ago I shut down and cut myself off from friends. To my credit I was a 1st year teacher drowning in work and a daily 1 1/2 hr commute. Add to it Bill's long term unemployment on top of coming off of my dad's long illness. I did some real damage to our marriage, to friendships, and to myself for letting regret and guilt consume me in the months after. Even though his sickness and death were the catalyst that pushed me originally into therapy, I let myself spiral downward and it took a really long time to get back.

I cannot do this. There is no room to be anywhere near that despair again. Ben and Ian deserve better, Bill deserves better, and I deserve better. I've been in such a better place of late and I need this school year to go well.

Many of my brothers' friends came to both the funeral and also to the house afterwards. Most I didn't know and I am so very thankful that he has their support. I asked the same of them that I ask everyone who knows me to not let us disappear.

Please don't take our mutual stoicism that we both subscribe as a badge of honor for more than it is. Call us out for lying to you in the days, weeks, months ahead that we are totally fine and back to normal.

While I'm not looking for Thanksgiving invitations or hand holding, know that even though we both knew that the end was coming at some point, finally being here is unbelievably hard. Leaving the graveside services to ride alone in the family funeral car as parent-less children was gut wrenching difficult.

My mom kept a car from Ben and a rattle from Ian on her kitchen table to remind her that they would be back to visit. I included both along with a letter and photo of the grandsons I know she loved.

I know she wanted us to be happy and move forward with life after she passed. I also know that for all the regrets I have now and the encroaching guilt of missed opportunity, I have to move ahead and love Ben and Ian for her.

I'll be back with news of kindergarten and daycare starts and hopefully that I'm figuring out a new normal in the days and weeks ahead. In the meantime tend to all your relationships, even the hard ones that you want to control, with unconditional love.

the other side

My mom died yesterday.

When I asked what life without her might look like last December I was prepared to let her go.

I wasn't yesterday.

Brian and I planed a funeral over texting, as neither could talk on the phone without losing it. Last night I called what seemed half of her church and my dad's extended family with the funeral details.

Next step? Keep it together, think about how and when to tell Ben, figure out what the kids can wear, get summer grades posted, go by school to move some stuff so I can snag a decent cubicle for my year of traveling classrooms before the new people show up this week, haircuts for the kids, mow the grass at the old house, run anywhere as fast as I can once the kids are in bed.

Keep busy and really not think about this until I actually can say that the one thing I have dreaded/anticipated/guiltily wished for, outloud without wanting to puke.

I hope you are happy, talking up the last ten missing years with my dad, in a good place with no pain. It was not the ending I had braced myself for, but an ending all the same.

Damn. Not Expected. Not Ready. Messy. Released? Can I get a re-do on that last rushed Sunday night phoned-in conversation? This is where one story ends and another begins.

Know that I hope I made you proud as a mom to Ben and Ian and that truly loved you for my 36 years.

Marilyn Hall Jobe Hendricks 6/20/49-8/8/11

I really wish I had a Flobee to rid this house of rat-tailed children

Happy weekend all around with a date night to finally see Super 8. Think if Lost and Red Dawn had a most amazing kid it would be this visually epic, reminiscence of all great 80s films movie. Bill has managed to see a movie a week in his annual summer movie season of explosions, superhero, and goo-pod qualifying movies.

What can I say, he doesn't own a boat, fix up cars, between gadgets and first run movies this is what he does with his blow money. I on the other hand negotiated going to the grocery alone with my 2 hours of time and only taking one kid to shop for school supplies. Priorities people.

This is the one week between the end of summer school and the start of fall online semester as well as the start to back to full time. Being the last week of freedom you know this lady has some plans.

1. Gradually work my wake up time back to 5 am. Boo.
2. Massive freeze ahead to restock my freezer and prep an upcoming SC run. 3 items a day to the tune of a $250.00 grocery bill for supplies yesterday.
3. Oil change, pay vehicle tax. Clean out car of summer gunk/sand.
4. Mow the grass the the old house or rent a goat.
5. Box for passing all 6-12 month baby clothes.
6. Check out the status of Ben's back to school clothes. Got athletic, nylon pants in a size 5. I'll take all colors.
7. Massive clean out of two boxes of paperwork and an annual file cabinet purge.
8. Clean out fridge/freezer in the garage for use for overflow groceries.
9. Try to finish the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on audio. Damn, saw that Christmas release trailer again this weekend. Even if the movie adaption totally sucks I am totally buying the soundtrack. Badass I tell you and so worthy of a workout playlist.
10. Ian Dr appointment with shots and meet his teachers for day care start.

Other stuff like catching up on the last weeks of SYTYCD online, making a giant weekly task list to laminate for the fall, trying on all my school clothes, getting 25 miles logged, buying new bras. LOTS of fun going down this week.

But without saying I gotta put taking the boys for haircuts to rid them of their redneck rat-tails is tops. We are at a record for needing haircuts. I would ask around if anyone had a Flobee just for the laugh factor alone.

Countdown to fall restart starts now.

A New Phone Friday Series- Room by room, it's all RAD!

Thanks for good thoughts on going back. I got my schedule yesterday and as expected I would call myself bottom of the totem pole. I will be traveling to different classroom/floors with an all Freshman load. If I thought I could count my miles per week walking for the competition, I might consider it. Instead I'll be pulling out my most geriatric shoes and stocking up on protein bars.

It's all good and in the end, I'm thankful in this economy, esp when normally recession-proof teaching jobs are being cut that I have a job with a reasonable commute.

Since the house is completely put together, I feel good sharing something other than just the exterior. Instead of some crazy long post with pics room by room I thought for the next few Fridays I would do a include quick pics I like about the new house.

Up first a big reason we love this house: lots of open space downstairs.
When we opened the door we saw an open kitchen, sunny breakfast area, and the porch/deck that you can see from almost everywhere downstairs.

I LOVE this space. The area is open, lit with natural light all day. I seldom turn on the lights and just work at the kitchen table under the sunlight.

We put the play kitchen which was a great decision for the mealtime rush and given the perpetual mess in the playroom, this is easy to clean up by the boys.

Since a mudroom was among the few things I didn't get with this house, we are instead using the storage bench for shoes, backpacks, lunchboxes. Ben already was accustomed to putting his shoes and backpack here already, so it's a great place to catch everything as we come in the door.
I cannot tell you how much we love this house. We were prepared for the long haul that it may take to sell our our old home when we took this leap of faith to buy before selling. I know that every reason we said yes to our new home has been confirmed every time I walk in the door.
Happy weekend.

A much needed and overdue date night planned. Prediction of planning for the return to full time schedules to be discussed, budget fun, kindergarten and daycare starting. Not romantic, but needed.

A completely work free week coming up. I can't wait, getting oil changed and paying my vehicle tax never seemed so fun.

Inevitable or the whole returning to full time work post

**yeah, it's long. Probably because I made this decision then sat on it for several months. Even with several edits, it's just a long post no matter what I cut.
The short version is I'm going back to full time work as on Aug 17th, read on if you want the specifics, why the wait, how the year as a WAHM played out, and why in the end this is a good decision**

Thanks for support as this was a monumental decision in the works for a while.

After an afternoon of rehire paperwork signing yesterday, this is really going to happen in about 2 weeks.

In late March, my Principal contacted me about my intentions, letting me know that instead of being released to the county to reassign me to any of the 20+ high schools, that he had requested me to come back to my school.

This given the politics of our public schools was the best situation in which to return if I ever had any intention to teach in this system again. Also, unlike the 2010 decision, this one was under new circumstances. Enter in a new house with a higher mortgage, having a house still on the market, a 25% across the board salary cut from my online position due to state budget cuts and well the decision made itself.

When I took this year off I really hoped that the asinine question I posed last summer would have only one answer. The outcome is that all fears aside I made this year work. At times it was soul crushingly monotonous, uber lonely being in my house taking care of a very active, frequently non-napping baby with little adult interaction.

I made myself get out of the house whenever possible. Almost everyday to work out, walk the dog, go to Target, and if possible once a week to put on earrings and have an adult conversation with someone named Vinson. At times it was really trying juggling the kids, the house, and attempting to work the online gig and not feel like I was drowning. I learned that "at home and part-time" have very different meanings than what I expected.

I know that in a game of misery poker I will always have a loosing hand. This year could have been SO much tougher had two+ babies, children who were sick, my mom's ongoing health issues that while not resolved, are in a holding pattern, Ben's discipline that finally rallied by fall, being stubborn and not owning up to things not going well and refusing to ask for help. Any could have really sidetracked me and fortunately by comparison my life has been a cakewalk compared to what could have played out.

But it was hard enough and at times it felt like the walls were caving in in part to not saying no to more work while parenting an increasingly fearless child as well as trying to reconnect after an awful summer with the other.

My commitment to put the family/kids before work regardless of how and when I finally got work done led to that slippery slope of sleep issues. Again. This spring was esp tough carrying 3 sections and a contact to write test items. In hindsight I took on way too much and then was stuck. The decision this summer to only take a single section when offered more was a really good call given the house move.

Why did I take on the extra work? Money to make up for the deficit in not working full time, taking on a new subject to give me more opportunity should my subject demand dry up since it will no longer be state tested.

Why test writing? More opportunity to keep the at home thing going as long as possible by checking out a new venue. Frankly, I don't know of many teachers that only work one job, everyone has side work. It's the nature of being chronically underpaid.

Somewhere there is also some crazy work productivity/self preservation argument, but I'll leave that alone. It's been analyzed and picked apart and just is part of who I am.

In general that I don't think I am suited to day-in, day-out SAHM life. Yes it was nice to make my own schedule and I took on other items that I am convinced would not have happened had I been working full time. I don't think the new home search and subsequent move would have happened nor a real commitment to loosing weight and getting serious about hopeful future surgery.

Add in that most anyone who I worked with or just knows me would agree that burned out = not the teacher you want for your kid. I needed to take time off and decide if I really wanted to stay in the profession for the long haul.

From working with my online kids this year, all of which were repeating the course, many in not optimal situations including many students in a group foster home or many that were frequently incarcerated one truth stood out. Because I believed in them and worked closely with their schools, many of them believed they could pass and finally graduate. This is what keeps me in the profession. I can't explain it other than I know I am really good at this aspect of my life, and I can't just walk away.

As far as did I answer that asinine question. Yes, I think I was a better parent for taking the year. I have not one single regret that I had more time with the kids. Which sounds in theory utterly ridiculous for anyone NOT to want to have more time. But as I wrote last year, would more time be better quality? The last thing I wanted was to be trapped in some Betty Draper-eque life in which I resented my kids.

I spent so much more time with each child. Watched Ian grow from an infant to a toddler in ways I missed with Ben. I also worked on my relationship with Ben and our joint parental Of late I am working on greater responsibilities with him. There's a post in here someday about what I'm sure looks like poor parenting and likely to draw criticism but at age 5 and the start of school there are some things that I think are the right direction with this plan. So far we are having one of the best years yet with him at a more mature stage than ever.

So am I going back to rerun past mistakes of existing in a permanently exhausted state of negativity? I hope not. Already this summer I've been trying to put things in place that by school start will be 2nd nature. Yes to more sleep, curbing work earlier, making the changes that need action and not just lip service.

As much as I don't want to admit that better living through chemistry works, it has for me. I feel so much more on an even keel most days. Overall I feel less stressed, less intense, more ready to roll with the punches. Add lots of exercise and weight loss and I am really in a good place going back to full time life.

I already know that going back means up super early, a longer commute, juggling the house along with a true full time job. I am keeping one single section of my online class as not to loose my place for future work. It's good money even with the salary cut and frankly given the economy and the 2nd mortgage we can use it. One section is manageable in every scenario I've played out and discussed with Bill.

How many people can say they had a 16 month maternity leave? It was a good run and our family was better for this time.

How very glad am I that I took this leap of faith and trusted myself that I knew the right answer all along.

I got your ONE word for August!

Routine!

Get it planned, get it tested, get it tweaked, get it in motion for the return to full time work, 2 kid drop off am scramble pre 7:30 am (gulp), startin' kindergarten, startin' day care, getting in the Vinson Zone of productivity to milk this maternity leave final two weeks and start back on top.

Weekend of everything we wanted. Trade time for down time, SLEEP, pool time, time with the kids, exercise, TRUE BLOOD season 3 finale!!!, RAIN, final push to get the garage inhabited by TWO cars (which will be possible once the kid you not, 40+ paint cans are gone)

Plus.. I made these amazing Veggie Crepes. Repeat please. I (heart) summer foods.

AND on tap is to make these gut-bustin' insulin dependent Peanut Butter Stuffed Fudge cupcakes.

Happy August.