Tuesday, August 9, 2011

the other side

My mom died yesterday.

When I asked what life without her might look like last December I was prepared to let her go.

I wasn't yesterday.

Brian and I planed a funeral over texting, as neither could talk on the phone without losing it. Last night I called what seemed half of her church and my dad's extended family with the funeral details.

Next step? Keep it together, think about how and when to tell Ben, figure out what the kids can wear, get summer grades posted, go by school to move some stuff so I can snag a decent cubicle for my year of traveling classrooms before the new people show up this week, haircuts for the kids, mow the grass at the old house, run anywhere as fast as I can once the kids are in bed.

Keep busy and really not think about this until I actually can say that the one thing I have dreaded/anticipated/guiltily wished for, outloud without wanting to puke.

I hope you are happy, talking up the last ten missing years with my dad, in a good place with no pain. It was not the ending I had braced myself for, but an ending all the same.

Damn. Not Expected. Not Ready. Messy. Released? Can I get a re-do on that last rushed Sunday night phoned-in conversation? This is where one story ends and another begins.

Know that I hope I made you proud as a mom to Ben and Ian and that truly loved you for my 36 years.

Marilyn Hall Jobe Hendricks 6/20/49-8/8/11


LauraC said...

Oh Heather, I am so sorry. I am going to respect your feelings and not call, but please know I am here for anything you need. Jon's leaving tomorrow morning but I can go out shopping for Ben and Ian tonight if you want. Please let me know.

I am so glad you had this last two years of repairing your relationship.

Kim said...

Heather, I am so so sorry. There are no words, so I won't even try.

Please let me know if you need anything at all.

Goddess in Progress said...

I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your mom. As you say, even though it's something you've been preparing for or anticipating in a way, that doesn't mean it isn't a huge hit when it happens.

Thinking of you, good luck with all of the details and to-do's. I hope it goes smoothly and, when it's all done, you will be able to find a safe place and time for the emotional part.

Beth said...

Oh Heather, I am so, so sorry. I wish I could come mow the damn lawn for you. But you're right--having tasks ahead of you will help you keep moving. I hate to even say this out loud, but I've had all the same thoughts about my mom, and she isn't even sick. You have been an amazing daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your brother.

Beth C said...

Heather I am so very sorry! I know your mom was very proud to have such a great daughter who has accomplished such great things in her life! I know that she is not in anymore pain or discomfort anymore brings some comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your brother, Bill and the boys. I am sending much love and many hugs your way.

Carrie77 said...

Heather, I was so shocked to read this, and I know it has been so much on you lately taking care of your Mother, but we all know you still loved her dearly and I am glad you are holding it together as best as possible (even though its ok to cry! a lot, too!).