one

And on the day you were born...I kissed the face of God.

Happy birthday my beautiful blue eyed, strawberry-blond boy. You were everything worth waiting for, hoping for, praying for. Re-reading your birth story makes me smile and also a little sad to know that you are quickly transitioning to a (very) active toddler who idolizes his older brother and is quick to laugh as Ben's favorite audience.

Over the last 12 months you have gone from helpless to self reliant, from a baby who didn't want to sleep to a toddler who still thinks sleep if for the weak, from sweet infant coos to full on screeching mama/dada. Watching your relationship with Ben develop makes me smile. Yesterday at the park when Ben was intent on telling everyone that my brother is one and "you should tell him happy birthday."

While you are not walking unassisted, you are so very close as you step in place, realizing you are standing alone before collapsing under your weight. You are fast and sneaky and a common reply from those who are around you, "wow, he's a burst of non stop energy". Yes, over overhead as my common response, "I'm on the two boy weight loss plan."

It's hard to look at a child you wanted so very badly and not carry just a little bit experience with you every day of that child's existence. Not that I am going to be screen printing t-shirts for your first birthday with that sentiment, but I agree that infertility changes your conception of pregnancy and the anticipation of a dream realized.

I am among the moms who understands something they wish they didn't. Those moms who are carrying around a little extra thankfulness to be in the sorority of motherhood after a long process to be there.

So on this first of many, many birthdays to come know how much I/we love you. How much even in the most difficult times of the last year you were always the reason to get up, to make it to the end of the day, to realize that motherhood demands flexibility, and that I was given the 2nd chance to do it all again for a reason. You helped me realize that I needed to slow down, reconsider my priorities, and not miss the best years of my life. Mostly, that I am enough just to be called mom.

Ben and Ian, my sweet boys, you are all my reasons.

Happy 1st birthday most precious Ian,

love mom-