Happy 100th Post for 2009!

I realized I passed this milestone with my weekend wrap up post yesterday! WOW O WOW. Looking at my past posts I only had 83 in 2008, and 18 in 2007.

I am much more comfortable writing for myself and that is a milestone in itself. I wanted to celebrate this early New Years resolution with a post that has been rattling around my head for the past 6 months.

If you had asked me in July 2001, July 2008, and July 2009 what the odds of having a baby would be I would have answered, "likely never, bet it will only take a few months again, and did we bargain for more than we can handle." By the end of this month we will hopefully be at the end of IVF cycle 1 and waiting out a long two weeks for positive news. The past year of trying for a 2nd baby has been a testament to patience, letdown, bitterness, and finally relief to be starting what I have known in the back of my head would likely be our fate if we wanted children.

Without going into alot of personal medical history, a primary issue for most PCOS patients is infertility. After hearing that I had likely had this my whole life I was relieved to put pices together but also really angry that religious upbringing precluded what would have been a better treatment in the long run.

With the 2001 diagnosis I thought then that likely infertility was going to be an issue if we wanted kids and if I made a real attempt weight loss, took Metformin daily, and tried to reduce my stress then maybe we would luck out without IVF. Somehow the other longer term side effects of increased risk of diabetes, cancer, and heart disease haven't totally hit me but I know at some point in life I will have to wonder what if diagnosis 20 years earlier would have bought me?

Speed forward to last year when after 6 months of procrastination we decided to try for a 2nd. I fully expected that it might take the summer and maybe into the fall and am fairly certain I had a chemical pg along the way. But come January we decided that 2nd time out we needed to own up to this not happening without medical intervention and that Ben is a walking/running miracle.

I had actually seen the RE we are now with back in July 2005 right after a trip to Vegas to do some initial fertility testing before we officially started. Lo and behold we got pg in Vegas but soon after miscarried. I really liked her practice even it was a haul to Duke to see her. So naturally I knew who I wanted to see again if faced with a difficult call again.

So we jump through all the testing hoops throughout Feb and March. We had planned a much less invasive procedure for both months, but then cancelled the last minute when issues came up. By the time we got to a very long meeting with her in March she leveled with us that IVF was likely our only option and that she wouldn't waste time or money moving forward.

Direct, frank, crushing news but what I think I needed to hear. She had been honest with us about terminating with a d/c in 2005 as opposed to waiting out the miscarriage. I respect her position that waiting around is often not the healthiest option and once again I know she is right about not wasting time.

She offered for us to do an April cycle but with the end of school stress we decided to wait until June. We went ahead and did our information class, shot class, signed more paperwork than imaginable and made such decisions as "if in the case of death, what will become of the embryos." It was one of the times in your marriage there are no words to explain how you feel, you just push on.

If you had asked me in March how I felt about this being basically end of the fertility road for us I would have said, "sad, disappointed, and really not wanting to advertise that we have been complete a complete failure at something we KNEW we could do."

I am really glad that we waited until June. Not because our lives are less stressful, anything but, but I think I have perspective I didn't have a couple of months ago. We have especially had time to think and talk about the ways a potential multiple pregnancy and birth might affect us as a family, couple, and individuals.

My IFV meds are due to arrive today to start our process on June 8th. I still have residual sadness that this the path we are on. I can't see what seems pregnant people around me everywhere and wonder how much did they have to pay physically and emotionally to be pregnant. Haven't I already paid enough in for this to have been a little easier?

I have hope and faith that something good is going to come out of all that's ahead.
Please send us prayer, luck, karma, even a cheesy token that you support us. I have to believe that all this will not be in vain and a testament to demonstrating that Job is not my family member.

This I believe that all struggle has an end goal, even if not apparent in the present. This I believe that there is something more than being tested by God. This I believe that good things can happen and we are just as worthy as anyone else.

This I believe that July 2010 will bring happiness or acceptance, or maybe a combination of both. Believe with me-