Thursday, May 7, 2009

It Feels Unsaid

When I read my earlier post this week about our trip to Vegas I think what a putz I am and really should delete it. But I'm going to let it stand as a testament that there are opportunities that you should take when given the chance and I don't regret at all that we had a good time before the storm hit.

Less than 24 hours after returning we were hit with double bad news. Bill's job eliminated most of his office and as of tomorrow all but around 10 folks are laid off. My mom's surgery had the worst possible outcome to me. I will let Bill decide how much he wants to tell about the lay off on his own blog/IRL friends, it's his news to tell in his own way.

We've been here before with layoff plus family stress, but never with so much other stuff going on or feeling like major decisions have to be be made before our health insurance runs out. Moving is out of the question even with the company as with my mom's situation I am tied to being here to serve as caregiver and to relieve to my brother as many weekends that I can drive down. Luckily school is ending soon so I will have more time and have some stress off my plate for the summer.

Bill is taking this news much better than me and is hoping to use the time we still have medical insurance to make some major decisions and decide what he want to do. I see this as my choices/options about IVF and my job situation were sealed with news of the layoff.

As far as my mom goes I found out the night before we were leaving on the trip that she had fallen and broken her femur. I decided not to ruin the trip so I didn't tell Bill until we got home. Actually I was a big coward and wanted to wait until after the job news thinking that there was no way they would dissolve the whole branch just a likely 10% cut and he was safe. What wound up happening was that within a matter of hours he heard both news which was even harder.

My mom's health is compromised at best as this will mark another major surgery and as a dialysis dependent patient, making rehab options hard. I am going down this weekend to help my brother and give him some much needed time off and also for us to discuss where to go with her care. This is almost an idential situation we faced with my dad in his final months. It's hard, icky, and frankly feels unbearably unfair to be faced with this all again.

If you knew me in 2001 you know I didn't deal with the stress well and it has taken a really, really long time to work through alot of the damage I did to myself, to my marriage, and to my family. I feel armed with a much bigger network of support as well as making myself go to therapy I'm determined to not stay in the deep end of the pool this time.

I mentioned to a friend the other night that I know I can do hard. Been there, done that, stronger than I have ever realized on the other side of it all. But there has to be some limit. I'm there and based on the past really, really don't want to be there again.

Send the collective group of family both here and in SC good thoughts. I am hoping this time out that I will actually ask for and let people help me. I have a major issue when it comes to admitting I can't do something alone. I am stubborn and would much rather be seen as strong/stoic and not a vortex of negativity to anyone or even worse be pitied.

I just want to be on the other side of what's to come, whatever that is.


LauraC said...

Oh Heather, you KNOW we are here for you and your family during this time. I'm actually REALLY glad the Vegas trip happened for a few reasons.

1. Now you know you can leave Ben with someone else if/when you need it and it will go great.
2. You really needed that trip for yourself and for Bill. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of everyone else.
3. It was really a big step for you to ask this!

Don't worry. As your friend, I will not let you go this one alone. I will make you ask for help :)

Beth said...

Oh Heather--I'm so sorry. My thoughts are definitely with you and Bill as you navigate these land mines. I'm glad you had a good time in Las Vegas--you both absolutely deserved that. Hugs!

Michelle Brown said...

Oh, Heather! I'm so sorry. You know we love you and will do anything we can to help!! Saying lots of prayers!! Send me Bill's resume. I have contacts in Raleigh and will pass along.

Love and hugs!!