wow... a whole week almost between tending to the blog. Shame on ME! Although we have had sickness to deal with with 3/4 of us and the reality that I am kinda a little overwhelmed with the whole 2 child thing and don't really want to admit it. A post unto itself, and then the fact that Ian is sleeping in 2-3hrs at best, and damn if I'm not in stupid tired mode 24/7.
BUT.... then there is the preventable stupid like at the end of very trying month in part to changes at school also meant that the way something has been done in the past would not be the way it was to be done now. Enough said as it has been the month from hell with blowback with me in the end having to publicly eat a bunch of humble pie. It goes to say that I SHOULD have listened to my gut reaction back last July when among all the stress I agreed to stay on another year.
The result was me planning, organizing, setting up, and then cleaning up a ceremony and then reception for 300 on Tuesday night. So why might you ask when family and friends asked what I had to prove to stay on another year? Well yes, but since I literally built this chapter from the ground up since June 2006 (also note that I was in the hospital having Ben when I was given the choice between Organizaiton or SGA) and I'll be damned if I let someone else run it my final year teaching. Control issues you bet, but also I have a sense of personal pride with what I have helped facilitate in 4 short years.
So I stayed on despite this year my co-chair moving schools, my long standing committee being reorganized all the while kicking myself in the ass for being this stubborn and doing it alone. Tuesday night came and had it not been for those awesome and amazing students I would have not pulled it off.
When my outgoing President gave me a big hug she said, "Mrs Vinson I don't know of many people that would do what you have done for us, esp this year with all the changes with structure of the school, but you need someone to help you for next year as you look really tired even before you had a baby."
She's right along with everyone else who repeatedly told me that my priorities needed some adjustment. I'm still tinkering with going back in August or likely January to teaching. As much as I hope I am not burning some bridge I might later need, I'm needing a break to do something else. I am teaching a single online section of Credit Recovery in Civics for 8 weeks this summer with the hopes that it might lead to another section this fall. I also was contacted this week about interviewing for a job that I had researched last year, one with flexible hours that would allow me to have more time at home. Going to the interview with an open mind.
Regardless of what the future holds, I have more guilt about not being a better mom with Ben because I think I put work first more times that I want to admit. I swore that I wouldn't do this with a 2nd child too. I know myself to know that being a SAHM in the end is not good for me psychologically. I need routine, structure, order and some type of outside work to help fill that gap between cleaning up messes and wiping someone's butt.
As selfish as it sounds I work for my sanity more than for the $$$. BUT I learned a BIG, HUGE, RESOUNDING lesson from the last 30 days. I'm holding myself to this..
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
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2 comments:
Can I say told you so too? hee hee.
Seriously though Heather, it is a HUGE transition to add another member to your family. New dynamics, more work, more responsibility. As much as you want to be past the transition and doing stuff for yourself, sometimes you have to back down and just live in the moment. Let yourself do nothing except spend time with your boys. You don't have to do it every day, but just sometimes.
I think it will take some time to learn new balance as a mom of two!
I'm still trying to learn that balance. But with my job, it's easy to short change it when I need to focus on my kids. Teaching, however, is a whole different story. Teaching is a commitment that you can not easily walk away from, and you can not easily let someone else fill in for you. So don't think for a second that you have shortchanged Ben by doing your job well. I hope that this time off leads you to figuring things out, whether that means changing jobs or sticking to the same, but doing it differently.
As for the whole tired thing? Get used to it. It sucks. And it's why I look the way I do day in and day out. But it won't last forever. And it will get easier. Lower your expectations and your standards. Hang in there!
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