Waiting, the Final Installment

Since this post is over an year in the making with much the same theme about waiting for testing to resolve fertility issues, waiting to start IVF, waiting through an agonizing 2WW, another week praying that a heartbeat would be detected after the first was inconclusive, and then more waiting as sweet baby gestated, and now waiting for his arrival post due date. How about some closure on the waiting game! In a matter of hours (I hope) our journey through infertility into parenthood again takes on a new chapter for our family and my identity as a mom.

Seeing that this is likely our last child unless we really want to tempt fate and wind up with our version of 7th Heaven. I have been thinking alot about what life will be like as the proverbial 2 child family. What does it mean to be the mother to sons, and in that realm what do I need to equip them with to be loving partners, good fathers, caring friends, and productive students and eventual workers?

Will I ever regret that I will likely never mother a daughter? If I did have a daughter would I spend her lifetime trying to repair my own relationship with my mom? Would we ever consider adoption at some point? Not that any of these questions need to be decided today, but a mind with time to wander leads to lots of one-way conversations and a sure fire way to be on the receiving end of strange looks at the stop light.

When I went to the OB for my 40 week appointment Monday he insisted on doing an ultrasound to check placement after having trouble finding the heartbeat. I think he could tell by my expression and that I had quit joking around that to be this far with such tragic results would be devastating beyond words. Luckily he quickly found him but also confirmed that he is laying posterior making back labor a real possibility. We are still going into the birth with hopes that we will be able to labor without meds as long as possible, but hearing this AND knowing the pain of a pitocin induction I am not taking an epidural off the table. I have nothing to prove and all I want is a good labor with my eyes on the prize.

My sweet Ian we are waiting for you with open arms and open hearts. Just as I prayed for the safe arrival of your big brother, know you were wanted beyond reason and loved before you were named.

Good thoughts, prayers, karma, and most of all love to all those who have supported us along the way.