Monday, August 24, 2009

If I Were Going to Prison, I Would Take These Books

Long, long week of workdays at school minus air conditioning last week. Parents at Open House literally said, " I would love to stay and meet you but I don't think I can stand it up here, what supplies does my kid need and they took off"

Hopefully it will be fixed before school starts back tomorrow otherwise, it's again going to look like a refuge camp with the kids laying in the floor to do work.

Bill has been experimenting with cutting off our cable and instead just using an antenna and a HD Tivo. I'm sure he will will write some super technical blog post about the experience, but overall I have not missed having tons of channels I don't reallywatch. I did take advantage of still having cable in the bedroom to watch Mad Men and Project Runway season premieres. Too bad I slept through both. I did manage to stay away for A&E's new show Hoarders about people that compulsively fill their house with junk. Nice segway as their summer show, Obsessed just ended :-(

I also finished two books this week and both I would seriously consider both if I was going away to jail and could only take a small collection of books.

I quickly finished both Michael Ian Black's book (can you call it that) My Custom Van and Sara Barron's People are Unappealing due to their page limit of less than 200 pages . I even read one openly at a faculty meeting, while I was suppose to be watching a sexual harassment video. Kinda appropriate as both had TONS and TONS of sexual content.

I figured with chapter titles such as "Why I used a Day-glo Magic Marker to color my dick yellow" and "Open Letter to the Hair Stylist who somehow convinced Me to get a Perm in the 6th grade", and "You Say Penis. I say "Pienus" these books were going to speak to me. I also knew with endorsements from John Hodgeman and Jim Gaffigan, I was totally in my type of book element: sick and twisted with dark comic wit that is dry as toast.

Of all the stories I read, I loved and reread "Taco Party" multiple times. Aside that I was blown away at the sheer number and combination of expletives in a 3 page story I must say that the best line (minus cursing) was the following,

... if I find any sparklers in the pool, and am taking away the sparklers. I AM NOT KIDDING" I will return them all to my cousin in KY where all they do it shoot off fireworks. Let this serve as your warning because I don't want anybody bitching at me now that they didn't get warned about this. ....this is going to be the sickest taco party ever. At last year's party my friend Greg died, how awesome was that! This year I hope two "insert double use of the f-word" die! How incredible would that be?

I started thinking other books I have loved enough to reread in some cases 3-4 times. Feel free to agree that I must have serious issues to put these on my Prison Reading List.

toss up... Me Talk Pretty One Day, or Naked, oh hell what about the Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris

Possible Side Effects by Augusten Burroughs, Running with Scissors might make the list too, but I like his short stories more.

Freakonomics- Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt. I convinced the AP English teacher to use this book with a kick ass project last year. I am on a mission to get everyone to read this book and then discuss amongst yourselves.

Fahrenheit 451- by Ray Bradberry... What I can say, I own and still wear a shirt that says, "Celebrate Freedom, Read a Banned Book". Love to use this book in class back pre state testing days when you could actually have a class discussion.

Breakfast of Champions- by Kurt Vonnegut. Thank you Ms. Welborn, my 11th grade English teacher for exposing me to one of my fav writers.

A Clockwork Orange- by Anthony Burgess. Book was a zillion times more frighting than the movie, and that's saying alot.

Hoping I never go to prison but at least if I do I think my list might get me out on parole for being a little nuts.

Next up on my nightstand are
Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs by Chuck Klosterman and Animal, Vegible, Mineral by Barabra Kingsolver. Which you think I going to read first?


LauraC said...

Would I eat bacon made of people or dog shit? Definitely the bacon. Can I have salsa on the dog shit? No. How about splenda?

I read Taco Party out loud to Jon. There are going to be so many fucking tacos at my taco party.

And were you not DYING at the trannie ballerina story in People Are Unappealing?

Let's see, this year alone I recommended Resilience and My Custom Van to you. You see why some people call me Crazy.

Beth said...

I didn't like Animal, Vegetable, Mineral. Too preachy. The message, of course, is awesome. But I was turned off by an 18-year-old (her daughter, who wrote little "asides") preaching to me, too. I get it--eat local. I wanted more substance in the book, more struggle, more "I'm so sick of zucchini and kale I can hardly stand it!" But I guess that wouldn't promote the whole, eat local thing, huh? Anyway, now that I've thoroughly downgraded your expectations, have at it! I bet you'll love it. :-)

Josh said...

Sooo...I just randomly turned on the TV, and it happened to be tuned to A&E, and guess what was on?! "Hoarders!" Crazy.