Monday, December 29, 2014

Disappointing Children since 1982

As mentioned yesterday the boys could not wait for me to open the cherished by an elementary school me Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

Below is a sample of the dialogue that ensued upon opening said failure of children's gifts:

Mom:  oh look, a Snoopy Snow Cone machine, I asked for one of these when I was your age...who would have ever thought they would bring them back... cutting eyes to Bill who knows the back story of how it was among the many Santa gifts that never worked as imagined in my Sears Catalogue dreams... cue to the electric pottery wheel, Easy Bake Oven, Microscope....

Ben: Yeah, Dad said you always loved yours and were sad when it broke.

Mom:  Did he say that? Did he suggest you buy me a new one?

Ian and Ben:  YES!!! Over excitedly given the disappointment I know if about to happen

Mom:  Well wasn't that nice of him.

Ben:  Can we make some right now?  (it is currently around 7:30 on Christmas morning and I have barely made coffee)

Ian:  Yeah... mom we want to make slushies... I wish Santa could have had a slushies. Santa LOVES slushies

Mom:  You know Santa loves some slushie.  I bet he has a Roo Cup from Kangaroo Gas Station when he is hanging out in the North Pole in the summer.

Ian: looking totally confused at the comment

Mom:  We are going to wait a bit on setting up the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine which advertises that it is a "new and improved design" All the while I'm thinking, "new design, Bahahahahah... NOPE."

Christmas Day unfolds and after round 2 of driving around looking at lights we succumb to "installing the new slushie maker for "dessert"

I bust out laughing at the idea that anything is improved about the snoopy snow cone maker.  It includes as you may remember:  Doghouse shaped frame, Snoopy shaped log-shaped plastic piece to push down "use one cube of ice at a time."  a red plastic shovel to "rake" the ice out because one cube of ice makes SO much ice shavings you need a shovel, a plastic snowman with the decal already peeling away to mix the syrup in, Toxic red dye laden syrup packet to mix with water.  Oh yes... the crowning glory 3 tiny white cups.  Like smaller than bathroom disposable size cups.  Like this should be the tip-off for the disappointment your children are about to experience. I only wish I had taken a quick picture of the scale of these cups.  Like I think the cups they would give you to take your medicine in a hospital are larger.

I hold these up and show the boys the size of an expected "snow cone" and say with every bit of sarcasm I can muster, push down to my soul.  "I don't know if this is going to work.  Do you have a back up plan for dessert?"

Bill attaches the "new and improved" foot clamp to the counter using the two Dollar Tree reject sticky pads to give it "traction" and we start to crank.. and crank... and crank...

Knowing the end result already I don't even mix up the red dye syrup in the chance it might give the boys hope that a actual snow cone might emerge.

We get maybe one good tablespoon of ice that is not shaved, but rather chunky after what felt like an eternity. I proclaim, "thank you boys for thinking of a great gift that I would like,  but I think we might want to consider a little bigger snow cone maker,  maybe one that plugs into the wall.  Maybe we could look for an ice cream/snow cone maker for the summer."  

At this point Ian is already dragging a chair to the pantry looking for hidden Christmas candy.  That's my boy, he already knows when to cut his losses.  

Ben looks genuinely dejected so I tell him how when I was his age, Santa brought me the same Snoopy Snow Cone maker and it didn't want to make snow cones then but that we had an ice cream churn that made the BEST mint chocolate chip ice cream.  Yeah, I was lying as I remember the only thing my dad ever made was vanilla but knowing Ben loves to tell people we BOTH like mint ice cream I thought it would cheer him up.

I did tell the boys that they had to pose for at least ONE picture so we could send it to Uncle Brian (who also felt the sting of snow cone rejection and I thought would get a good laugh!)

New tag line for what will remain in the annals of "crappiest kid presents of all time."


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