The Closest Thing I Will Ever Have to GIRLS

I really hate with people refer to breasts as girls. It's kinda like a man that names his penis. Do you want to meet Larry, no, God no. Friends, please don't name body parts or tell me about it.

So rewind back to Thursday night at about 1 am, when due to the amount of grading and pushing to get kids finished I'm working crazy late everything. Due to the bad weather the fall wrap up is happening on top of the start to new spring classes. I have a new prep and double the kids/schools to contact. But more $!

Blah...Blah... add to this that my first batch of questions were accepted with this tagline that made me laugh out loud, "no editing needed." Ha! so maybe the only thing I really CAN write are questions about Stalin's 5 Year Economic Plans (which I did with graphics!)

As I was heading to bed I happened to pick up the mail and found something from the hospital. Thinking it was just the bill I opened it, barely read it and filled it away. Thinking of the nurse who did the mammogram last week saying something about a letter that goes to your Dr as well as you... and not to wait for the Dr letter call if anything comes back abnormal.

I really should have opened the mail about 8 hours before. Like immediately so I could have saved myself a night of pure ass worry.

Repeat test due to abnormality, bolded in the middle of the page. Schedule repeat mammogram as soon as possible.

Damn.

Double DD (plus some) Damn.

My OB has gone to a 4 day workweek so thinking I was totally screwed that with the holiday I was going to have to wait until Tuesday to get the orders faxed to even MAKE the appointment panic was creeping in. I decided to call the Dr office and leave a message on the super small chance that someone was working or that the answering service would forward. I then moved on to trying to contact someone at the hospital.

I kid you not, within 30 mins my fav nurse was on the phone. Without even introducing herself she said, "Honey don't you know that if there was something real to worry about I would have been buggin' you if the hospital had been alarmed." Feeling a little better I had her go over what might have caused the abnormal test.

I even threw out if you have ginormous boobs that literally took up the entire xray plate is it possible they just didn't get a really good scan? Maybe, but more likely it's just a fat deposit that looks like a lump.

So after pushing I got her to agree to go ahead and fax the order before taking to the OB to review my chart. She did and within the hour I have an appointment for lunchtime today.

I'm sure that this is nothing to be concerned about or to freak out about. Still though I'm feeling every bit a year older here 2 days before 36. Couple that with 2 friends local and a roommate in college that have battled early breast cancer in their 30s, I'm not going to be waiting around.

Since I'm already at an increased risk for cancer and also heart disease thanks to PCOS hormone issues I'm thinking as much as I really don't want to do this screen every year I would be just stupid not too.

Ugh... I HATE getting old(er). This just sucks. Hoping to have results by my birthday on Wednesday or should I have to go back a better idea if really there is a reason to panic.

I'm siding on the fluke of a test and moving forward.

Show Me the Mommy- The TBD Version

Seeing that it's almost 2 am and I just finished working it's going to have to be a weekend post.

3 Super Awesome things have happened/will happen in the next 24 hours

-I bought my first ever pair of running shoes Thursday night. This after 10+ pairs of try ons and many laps in the parking lot in the COLD ASS AIR!

-My sweetie turns 9 months TODAY. He's holding on with one hand, stepping in place. All bets on walking before April.

-I was offered a 2nd section yesterday and a test item writing contract Monday. Decision to go back is now permanently case closed!!! Sorry to those waiting to slap me back into reality on the work situation, I'm sure you'll get your chance on another topic

Weekend of getting caught up on chores, Ben starting new extracurricular Friday activity, working to pull final students through, setting up new online classes, pool with Ben, more working out as my week goal of 20 miles is in sight, haircoloring!, best of all: all events will take place in-state!!!

VERY, VERY excited to make a date with my couch and get in some quality time with unwatched TV shows.

Back over the weekend with my Friday Show Me the Mommy pic post.

Dave Kendall Called

I actually used the phrase, "I'm a (new) runner" and didn't bust out laughing. Well, I kinda did but anyway. I'm doing well keeping up with 3 day a week running and have ramped it up to slowly add miles and speed. I'm proud that I did 3.5 miles last Friday and did a 13 min mile today.

Baby steps to something bigger. Reading the back issues of passed along Runners World magazine is remarkably inspiring, if for nothing else some serious body envy. I marked up some articles to scan, esp on beg runners. This month, I've also been working to make healthier meals for myself and the family. As much as I hate shopping with Ben, giving him the chance to pick out fresh produce and items to try at dinner has helped add to some healthier options all around.

I'm going this weekend to be fitted for shoes. My knees are killing me and I have to think the right shoes will help.

Back to the running. I'm gradually, ever so slowly growing into feeling like something is missing if I don't get in at least 3 miles each time and try to add 1/2 mile each week. I set up a 90 min playlist with a few last resort power through songs.

A sampling of what is keeping me going:

September- Earth, Wind, and Fire
All the Stars- Better than Ezra
Believe Me- Blues Traveler
Galvanize –Chemical Brothers
Let Forever Be- Chemical Brothers
She Said- Collective Soul
Born too Slow- Crystal Method
I Know it’s You-Crystal Method
Burn (Crow soundtrack)-Cure
I Go Crazy-Flesh for Lulu
Hard Sun –Eddie Vedder
Celebrity Skin-Hole
Pretend we are Dead-L7
Louis xiv- Paper Doll
Plan B-Muth Math
Rock Star- NERD
Blue Monday- New Order
Only- NIN
Ringfinger-NIN
Let’s Go Crazy-Prince
Testify-Rage Against the Machine
Ride-Vines
Prove My Love-Violent Femmes

Dave Kendall called and has asked me to host 120 Minutes.

The Germ Jail (and other thoughts on Preschool hygiene)

Good Camp mommy Day due to ice, Bill got home earlier so we met up at the gym to run and let the kids play in the activity center (or better yet blow off cabin fever.)

When I think back to every afternoon last summer being a Come to Jesus meeting about just staying in your room for quiet time seems like a million years ago. Ben willingly went up and I didn't hear a peep for almost a full hour.

In the AM we: did chores with Ben's help (laundry, dishes, trash.) Ian crawled room to room following us. Built a fort, then a boat, then something involving alligators on the couch. I refereed Ben putting Ian on the Sit and Spin and then we had a good 10 min convo about how he wanted to be a mermaid. He told me infatically that Mer-mans didn't exist.

PM-Star Wars cookies made using the new WS ships cutters. Ben informed me that I didn't know the names of the ships and I was wrong (which I was and was trying to wing it.) We ventured out with the dog and later painted his model Mater/McQuee figurines he had gotten for Christmas. Mom finished some freeze ahead dishes, started on grading, talked to several students, and made a nice dinner.

So to the post. Every Wednesday we go to the library to get new books and participate in a reading activity in which real, live dogs come in and the kids read or practice spelling letters with the dogs. Ben loves going and makes up elaborate stories about what the dogs do when they are not at the library. This past week for his take home book selection he included the following:

2 books about Princesses
Forrest Fires
DIG
a Scooby Doo mystery
Garbage Trucks
You Can't put a Pickle in your Ear (5 senses)
Animal knock knock jokes

The Germ Patrol (by Shulman, Stolp, Voss). This last book has made more of an impact to get him to remember to wash his hands and quit picking his nose.

The premise of the book is about not being scared of shots and that scary germs can make you sick. Seeing that Ben became obseesed with talking about how all the germs went to a germ jail at the end of the book, on the 2nd night of reading I added a whole part about making sure you washed your hands and how if you pick your nose you will get germs on your hands.

He was sold.

While I don't worry that I'm encouraging OCD type handwashing, I am amazed at how he willing wants to go wash his hands, talks about washing hands, and even reminds us to wash our hands.

I remember my old teaching partner told me this story about her older son who lied about what parts of his body he washed. After describing what she recalled "smelling like a bus station in summer" realized that when he was in the shower he thought that just standing under the water would suffice. Uh... no. The story had some type of ending in which she wound up taking then to a live action show in which life size germs were featured.

I cannot help but share her excitement as this step in personal hygiene is being achieved in our own home, even temporarily. Now if I can do something about the desire to be naked and running/dancing to dry off after a bath minus towel use, I will be Golden.

Keeping a Good Thing (s) Going

Since it seems lately that many posts are along the lines of asking readers to hang in there, the co-pay is in the mail, how about a super-duper post to get this wintry morning going!

Each year at the holidays Bill and I determine a set amount that we want to donate to charity. We split the amount and both choose personal charities. Next year I am all over an idea to incorporate 12 days of giving into our Advent activities and have Ben and Ian help pick charities from some kid-friendly options.

Being inspired by the movie Waiting for Superman I decided to make my contributions local and looked on Donors Choose As much as I would have liked to keep it local, very few schools in our district were listed requesting help funding a project.

My thoughts are 1. They get a substantial amount of funding in comparison to other NC districts (which I know is true) 2. Schools don't push the teachers to fund projects on their own because high parent support often steps in to fund.

I set up some dream characteristics for the projects I wanted to find to fund.

1. A project if possible for a high, middle, and elementary school.
2. A project focused on helping minority males. This population, has the highest dropout rate nationally and locally at upwards of 70%.
3. A school in the economically depressed part or "down east" of the state and if possible part of the Leandro Court case that fought for equal state funding for school districts.

After several nights of reading pages and pages of teacher projects, looking at smiling deserving faces, and wishing I could fund every single project I settled on donations to the the following:

McClintock Middle School (inner city Charlotte)- Reams of colored paper (really, paper? was what the teacher was requesting. This really hit me in the gut) to print behavior bucks for a school positive discipline strategy. The write up talked about the future for many of their drops outs included jail and crime. This middle school feeds one of the high schools I worked with a bunch of kids online with this past summer so I felt a little personal connection.

Stocks Elementary (rural Tarboro, NC)- PE equipment (balls, jump ropes, outdoor group games.) From someone who used to dread the weekly mile run in PE, I find it funny that I gave money to encourage someone else to be active.

Creech Road Elementary (local school with a high poverty rate and the subject of much discussion in the diversity debate). Chair-Back buddies, a Re-usable organization system. Even in elementary school you can guess I loved some color coded folders in my Trapper Keeper.

Easton Elementary- Winston-Salem - Reading Materials for ELS students. ESL students are drastically under served due to underfunding statewide and a rising enrollment.

On the home front, I'm under a huge push to get my online kids finished and taking state tests. Plus I am setting up the course for the incoming Spring students. This past semester has been so much slower paced compared to the summer push. Since Camp Mommy is in full force today due to the ice, I'm hoping for a nap/quiet time to plow through some work.

As of now I have one section but have been told if we have the enrollment I likely will have more. Add to this I picked up some contract work writing test items and the spring is setting up nicely.

I cannot tell you how much I love the online gig. Every morning as I'm taking the dog out in my pjs, I typically see the HS bus. The same one that I used to gage how late I already was getting out the door. Add to it the sheer satisfaction of helping students who have been unsuccessful in the past finally pass I couldn't be more excited about keeping a good thing going.

Not Picking Up Any Pantless Hitchhikers

Long weekend, long week ahead as I wrap up one semester and start another with a 24 hour turnaround.

Hard weekend all around. Below is part of a text I sent to Bill sometime during the 15 hours I was at the hospital on Sat.

Very confused and agitated, sobbing, trying to rip off restraints

The only time I saw Brian was Sat morning for breakfast as he was coming off his overnight shift. We talked over the options about moving my mom out of the hospital and into a long term acute care facility.

Long term would likely mean 6-8 weeks at minimum and would bridge full on hospital care and a likely nursing home placement later. Bottom line is that the infection is still in the hip and port. Her Drs are not sure that they are or can ever rid either site so we are looking at long term iv antibiotics. The good news is that the infection is not getting worse nor did it spread to other locations.

The move would allow them to continue the iv drugs as well as some other treatments that can be carried outside of a hospital. She is able to do dialysis within the location without a move via ambulance three times a week to her clinic. At this point they are taking a 2 week break from more surgeries as tissues need time to heal. Almost all of her doctors are absolutely baffled how she rallied from how sick she was when she went in 5 weeks ago.

So where are we? A holding pattern, a new place to spend her days, the long haul of repeated weekend travel to SC.

I'm tired. Really tired. I was already slammed with end of semester work before loosing 48 hours of the weekend. This trip was really hard without elaboration. Even with the typical nuttiness of the weekend I missed all the boys, the little ones and the big one.

It hit me as I was returning alone for a 2nd night after midnight that I'm juggling two families with the same obligations. Both need me, both require an immense amount of time and attention. By the end of the Sunday, I had fed, bathed, and cut the toenails on both parties.

I know my brother appreciated not having to pull hospital time on top of work. My rationale for why I went and will be back. For some crazy reason I snapped a couple of quick phone pic before leaving. Every time I'm leaving, I remind my mom I won't pick up any pantless hitchhikers. Don't ask, she made the comment when they were leaving me at college. Somehow the comment stuck and superstitiously has to be uttered by someone before leaving.

I said it Sunday to her confused face, kissed her goodbye, and got back on the road. Luckily I got home in time to make a sit down dinner, read books, and tuck both boys into bed.

Perfect ending to a hard weekend.

Show Me the Mommy-This American Life, 2011 Awesomeness

In wrapping up my week of New Years Resolutions, I have lots of other goals for my 2011 LIFE: Read 30 books, try to post 250 posts here and 60 on the Freeze Ahead blog , Take a 15 year anniversary trip with Bill, Run a 5k for Ian's 1st birthday, another race with my HS friend, and a Warrior Dash with a group of ass kickin' moms, make date nights with Bill (and also) Ben a priority, find a way NOT to go back to full time work, seriously start to think about getting out of this house (and making the repairs needed),find a church we all like, figure out what to do about Ben's kindergarten decision, challenge my sons to be independent, motivated and unabashedly brave to try new things

I looked back at my master Mondo Beyondo List to see if any of these goals made the 2011 list. Nope, well ok, only two.

But in each one is living a Mondo life, authentically, and without limitations.

My 2011 is going to kick ass for SO.MANY.REASONS

A healthier body that I hope will finally physically match the one in my head post surgery

A clearer mind that is less frazzled and more centered

A spirit of optimism about what to come for myself and my family

A feeling that I am ENOUGH, that I do ENOUGH, and ENOUGH is all I ever need to be.

2011 is going to be the year that I took all the little (and big) changes that I've been working on over the past 10 years and own this year.

While I most likely will not get the chance to rush the stage if Ira Glass makes a return visit to Chapel Hill, 2011 is my year of AWESOMENESS.

It's my life, my story, my This American Life, the only one I have, and in 2011 I'm sending out goodness to the universe in hopes it returns.

Then There are the Days When You Hear Your Name over the Intercom at the Grocery

It wasn't bad enough that only months ago did I suffer the embarrassment of my child pooping behind a bush on a playground, now I am gunning for 2011 Mother of the Year award only 6 days into the new year.

YES, I fully admit that I was part of this preventable and also scary situation.

In all my days growing up never did my mom make the walk of shame to the store manager's office to come fetch me because I had wandered away.

We have 3 rules when Ben goes to the grocery

1. You must either ride fireman style on the cart or have your own little cart. No riding under the cart, in the basket, or running down the aisles.

2. If you are well behaved you can have a KK sprinkle doughnut as the FINAL THING WE DO

3. You can pick 4 things but they must be able to be served at dinner (aka no candy, gummis, toys)

Enter yesterday when Ian decided that napping was for the weak and finally passed out a hour before daycare pickup. Since he had gotten up around 6am I thought I'd push out going to the store until later. Bad decision.

Ben was whiny, argumentative, basically a pint-sized tool. Needless to say he had lost the doughnut. Just as we were heading out a parent of a former student stopped me to ask if I had left teaching. I motioned to Ian and was relaying that I was taking a year leave off when I heard my name over the grocery loudspeaker.

Actually, it was "is there a Heather in the store?" Ben knows his last name, but I don't think he realizes it's my name too. I guess I'm just lucky they didn't put out the all call for "mommy" over the loudspeaker. I hightailed it to the front of the store to see him sitting in the managers office, looking very, very small and sad.

According to the cashier he was looking at a car magazine sitting on the floor in the check our lane when she realized I was not with him. Part of me freaked out that he so willingly went with her to find me, or that in a matter of secs he was out of my sight and could have been out of the store.

Needless to say I should have had a better eye on him and not been distracted. We had a seriously Come to Jesus meeting about stranger danger, what to do when he gets lost in a store, and most importantly not to wander off as really bad things can happen, like he could DIE.

The night ended on a much better note. Among our new library books I found a book of animal knock knock jokes. Ben had never heard of them!?! I had so much fun teaching him the most basic level jokes and listening to him double over laughing at the lamest jokes ever.

Trying to Capture 2011, Better

Among my for my fun goals in 2011 is to take better pictures of the kids. It seems that the only pics I seem to take and also post are the grainy, blurry iPhone photos that always showcase my kitchen in it's 1990's glory.

Bill and I decided to combine our Christmas and Anniversary gift giving and replace our point and shoot with a Digital DSLR camera. Bill enjoyed the research and we settled on a Sony NEX-5

We've been playing around with it over the holidays. One of the features captures HD video, a big selling point for Bill. I'm still a little wary of learning all the features, but I love the anti-blur feature for getting the boys in motion.

Luckily since we bough it locally we are getting some classes to help us (mainly me) learn the settings and how to use it manually. I'm going to try and do some of the Sat am classes and Bill is going to the Wed night option near his work.

For the first time since we bought it I took the camera with us Monday and was pleased with these shots of the boys. I bribed Ben with gummi bears to get him to smile and not make silly faces.

Since Ben's school was closed, we packed it up and headed out to Durham Science and Life for a Camp Mommy day. On the drive over Ben picked his top 5 places to hit: the sailboats, the train, Dino Dig, the sandbox, and the dancing room (Ben's explanation.)

I added the Butterfly house for the bathrooms and the chance to warm up. We wound up staying almost 4 hours. Ian even held out and played along with Ben in the sand. Although I spent most of that time stopping him from eating it by the hand full.

When I took Ben to school yesterday morning, there were tears and clingy behavior I have rarely seen from him. When I asked him why he was sad, he thought we were going to have another fun day without him. Little did he know that loads of laundry and lots of work phone calls would be the only fun missed.

Finishing C25k and 2011 Fitness Goals

I finished the final session of Couch to 5k on New Years Day.

So what did I find out?

When I started the day after we returned home from Disney I was about to pass out at the 60 sec. of jogging 1st session.

On 1/1/11 I still felt like I was going to pass out, but only because I didn't stop until I hit 3.25 miles. I pushed the last 5 min at 6.0 mph which left me looking like a farm animal in heat.

Frankly I thought after all the working out since May that adding running was going to be easier. My knees are killing me and I think I need to be professionally fitted for shoes. Hello birthday gift in 2 weeks.

Using a incremental program made a world of difference sticking with running.

I swapped getting Real Simple for Entertainment weekly to read while on the treadmill. Damn if I didn't run 20 mins last week and didn't notice, getting tied up in the Oscar race coverage.

I lost 6 lbs in the 9 weeks of running.

The next step is to start running outside with Ian in the stroller. Personally I want to be able to run 5 miles before the Cary Road Race on April 9th.

Running is staying in the work-out repertoire for Move It 2011. Here's my 2011 goals:

Get to 500 miles by end of year. I figure that I am going to have at least a 2-3 week recoup after surgery. If I go for the full Monty and do all the work this year then I'm looking at 6-8 weeks out. Obviously I will find out if my estimates are within reason at my 1/21 consult this month. Starting back too soon is not on the table given this is major surgery with lots-o-lots of stitches expected.

Bill will most likely kill me on miles, but I will beat him on time.

I am shooting for at least 20 activity miles or 10 hours per week. Here's how I plan to meet that goal. I spend on ave 90 min/day in cardio and/or a class. Often both as I milk the child care for every minute of time I can get.

I work out Mon-Sat alhtough with the continued travel to SC I will have to pick up Sunday to make up for missed Sat. Serious motivation needed to drive 6 hours back and still go to the gym. I may cut myself some slack if I get home after the kids are in bed. Thoughts of running through the hospital corridors HAVE crossed my mind.

Monday- Run at least 3 miles/40 min, 60 min Strength class

Tuesday- 60 min Spin class which I ave 20 miles=6- 7 miles to count for the competition, 30 min weights or core work

Wed- Run at least 3 miles, 60 min Yoga/Pilates fusion class

Thurs- 60 mins on Elliptical for 5 miles at level 15/20, 30 mins weights

Friday- Run at least 3 miles, Barbell Strength class 60 mins

Sat- Spin (6-7 miles), 30 mins core

Sunday-Off. I typically do an extra long walk with the dog. I am not counting any time walking the dog as it is inconsistent and frankly I get NO aerobic benefit with two kids in tow.

When I look back at this schedule, which is essentially my weekly schedule I've been doing since starting the 5k training, gradually adding the time on the running, color me impressed.

Over the summer when I was wavering about going back full time someone pointed out how motivated would I be after working 8-10 hours to be in a gym instead of with my kids. Point taken and is a major reason I have loved having the time and freedom to really work on fitness as a 2010 and now 2011 goal with my extra time.

44 lbs down in 2010 and need to be at least 40 more to surgery D-day. 50 would be even better, at 60 down I would be dancing a jig.

As far as the nutrition side I and keeping my post surgery rules of no eating 7pm-7am, eating one decent sized meal and 2-3 smaller ones throughout the day keeping to a Stage 2 type diet (soft foods, limited meat, simple carbs, or refined sugar.)

I also recently added back Metformin meds to help with insulin resistance that is part of PCOS fun. Recent lab work had come back that it would most likely help even out insulin levels. The side effects have been tolerable this round and taking it at night helps.

Bill and I had our longest convo of the last 24 hours at the gym yesterday in passing each other at the entrance. When I didn't answer my phone he assumed that I had stayed longer and was still there. This seems funny only to me. We are both working fitness goals in 2011 and are supporting each other with trading time it takes to make exercise part of the day. He commented that if not at home the next logical place to find me is at Lifetime.

Fail-Safe

Simple Mom's resolutions post nailed why most are abandoned in the after holiday letdown, you set up yourself up with unrealistic expectations. Using their template I want to focus on setting reachable goals with logical and do-able steps in 2011.

Last year I made one resolution, to make every effort to live in the moment with the kids. While really not a measurable goal I did try everyday to find the little moments, even the mundane to connect with the kids.

Today's 2011 Goal how to use my blog in 2011.

1. Starting with the first Monday of a new month posting a snapshot of what I want to get done. I find when I give myself a few daily goals with a small list of month- long goals, then they are much more attainable. I'm all for crazy productivity, but I have found that built in down time is a sanity saver.

My January 2011 Goals-

Health related appointments galore: Mammogram, plastic surgery consult, and mole check on board by month end.

See one movie in a movie theater minus children. Black Swan vs Blue Valentine are the contenders.

Celebrate my 36th birthday!!!

Investigate test item writing for additional income

Try to keep reasonable bedtime and wrap up all grading by 10 pm

Start to evaluate any magnet kindergarten options for Ben and set up school visits if applicable

Attempt to log 20 miles and/or 10 hours per week in Move It 2011

2. I really loved Motherhood Uncensored 30 Days to Better Parenting Challenge from last summer. I'm making working through all 30 a goal over 2011. I want to use my blog to keep tabs on how I'm trying these ideas with the boys.

3. Goal to keep my freeze ahead blog going with a post a week. Over the weekend I made Chicken Tagine with Olives and Lemon for dinner with some to freeze ahead. Recipe from Cover and Bake by Cooks Illustrated. All plans to get it posted TODAY!

From my month long hiatus last October I realized that writing these posts are a time commitment. By the end of 2010 I was glad that I had posted through some of highs and lows of the year.

It's funny that some of the posts I sat on and really debated putting out there were the ones that really defined my year. I heard via FB message from a couple of college and high school friends that I had no idea read my daily ramblings.

Thanks, and while I write this for myself, it's also nice to know that something made you laugh, or you appreciated my honesty, or you are left wondering if spelling/grammar is a requirement for a SC high school diploma.

Who knew my little blog that started to keep up with my Summer 2007, One Hundred To- Do Items would still be going 3 years later and my primary source for remembering being thirtysomthing.

Besides how else would I remember to check in with the Bloggess and her most recent entry of How Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas.

Happy 2011 Blogging.

The Best of 2010- Good Night and Good Luck Vinsons

In 2010 we: turned 35, 35, and 4, found out Baby V 2.0 was indeed a boy, welcomed Ian after 10 hours of labor, moved into new big boy Cars bedrooms, left a job x 2, started a new job x 2, figured out how to work the 2 kid game after a rocky start, hung out at the pool every day of the summer, went to Y daycamp and idolized Mr. Steve, read 24 books, wrote 159 blog posts, started a Freeze Ahead Blog then ignored it then decided to restart it then ignored it again, enjoyed the beach twice, traveled to Disney again, dressed up as Toy Story Family, ran 2 5k races (Bill), started training for a 5k (Heather), lost 44 lbs (Heather), plateaued at 168 lbs lost and 18 past his original goal(Bill), visited family in FL, AL, and SC. Did Mondo and Dream lab and wrote out a list of life goals.

I feel like I have spend the last couple of weeks recounting a great 2010 so here's the short (yes, possible) recap.

Best Books- The Help, The Hunger Games Trilogy, Freedom, Drop City

Best Movies- Inception, Waiting for Superman, The Hangover (special note it makes the list a 2nd year in a row. It's our go to can't think of anything else to watch AND seriously took my mind off laboring)

Best TV- Lost Finale in May, Honorable Mentions for True Blood and as always my love of Mad Men.

New Restaurant Tried- Not really a new place, but realizing that we could split entrees at Angus Barn with no extra charge for sides has turned it into a fav night night spot.

New Family Outing Location- The various places we enjoyed on Ben date night. New for the agenda for 2011 bowling, Canes hockey game, ice skating, preschool cooking class, roller skating.

Best(Cheap) Kid friendly item- Refillable thermos from Crocodile Creek for Ben that goes everywhere.

Best Children's Toy/Book Purchase- iPad for games and books for Ben (that is when it can be pried from Bill's hands.)

Biggest Surprise- I actually made it through a whole month off all social media back in October. 2nd place tie, that I kept up with Twitter and that I ran anywhere in 2010.

Moment of total sobbing like a baby in public- I hate crying. Public crying is even worse but watching Bill finish his first race was my Total. Embarrassing. Moment of 2010.

Moment of total lack of parenting skills- Ben pooping behind a bush on a playground.

Best way to spend Sat: Spin class, Freeze ahead goodness with This American Life, naps, park with the kids, a date night at home/out.

Most proud of: Getting Ben potty trained (minus the playground incident), myself for really making fitness a goal everyday, making the WAHM thing work after a crisis of confidence, admitting I couldn't do it alone (see long ass post from yesterday)

Most awesome 60 seconds of 2010- Holding Ian for the first time

Best decisions of 2010: EVERYTHING I wrote about in 10 for 2010.

Lesson I'm taking forward into 2011- Ask for help. Just maybe not to clean up your kid's poop on the playground.

2010, Good night and thanks for a wide, crazy ride I'm personally glad to be exiting.

2011, You ain't seen nothing yet. Ass kicking and name taking starts now.

Below are my 4 fav pics from the year. A million thanks to LauraC for capturing Ian (and Ben) at their best. I love you for so many reasons, but these pics make me loose it. Thank you for bestowing your amazing (growing) photography talent on my family.




Cheesy, but summer pictures taken on a last min whelm before the HHI trip.

The boys = Double trouble wrapped in sloppy sugary smiles


The family = Happiness, contentedness, feeling complete as a family.

Happy 2011. I know it already feels like a New Year at Casa Vinson.

10 for 2010 How You Spend Your Days is How You Spend Your Life

I'm not sure if I actually got to 10 items for 2010 but it really doesn't matter. I'm ending the year tomorrow on a positive note with my Awards for 2010 Post with Fav 2010 pictures.

Today has to be the last 10 for 2010 post. So here goes for #8-10.

Awesome #8- Doing Mondo and then Dream Lab. Spending the time and energy to write out my life goals was defining. Putting them into practice is now the real task. Learning to give up the fight to live some perfect, idealized life and just live (and love) the reality.

Awesome #9- I'm within 9 lbs of my personal 2010 goal and within 40 of where I want to be for the surgery. My much anticipated first consult with the plastic surgeon earlier this week was rescheduled due to the snow. First available appointment was the week of my birthday in Jan. Perfect.

Now, I just need to get up the gumption to go, not to bail on the appointment and be honest in having a physical body to match the one in my head is within sight.

Awesome # 10- Owning up and admitting I can't do it alone.

Holy Hell I need some courage to keep writing this post publicly.

Don't delete...wincing...saying yes to courage to put this out there today....

2010 has been a year of extreme highs and lower than imagined possible lows. Bringing a much wanted 2nd child into our family, high upon high. Watching the relationship between Ben and Ian develop, sweet goodness. Having one of the best years of my marriage, unbelievably thankful. Having supportive friends, rocks.

The transition from one kid to two was so much harder than I ever imagined. I didn't have this fantasy idea that babies are easy, I remembered how exhausted I was with Ben and a full time job. But, I honestly cannot even begin to put words to how hard the first months juggling new dynamics, the return to crappy sleep, and trying to make it all work when all I really wanted was not to be a participant.

Add in a hard fought lesson about putting work before family priorities as I sat through work meetings with a 8 day old infant. I swore never again to let work come before my family, and for the most part I'm living this daily.

About a month after Ian arrived soul crushing depression and then anxiety that left me frazzled and almost unable to take care of my kids set in. It was gradual and since I didn't have any issues after Ben I thought it was just run of the mill depression. It wasn't until early June that Bill came home most days to an utter and complete mess of the house, the kids, an unhinged me.

I was really trying to keep it together but this round of depression was darker than I remembered from the past. It didn't lift after a couple of weeks like normal, it got worse. Seriously scary worse.

I lied to just about everyone because I couldn't give voice to something so increasingly vile that was swallowing my days and then keeping me up at night. I was embarrassed, esp since admitting that this baby that I longed for was in part the reason why functioning on any level seemed a herculean task.

I even lied to my long time therapist who was genuinely surprised when it took an impersonal email to ask her for a recommendation for a med consult with a psychiatrist. Coming clean has been hard, it is STILL hard to admit I can't do it on my own and just think my way out.

I met him, feeling like a total sell out after 10 years of sticking out the hard without having to succumb to better living through chemistry. I did meds a long time ago for insomnia and swore that I wouldn't again. Some options I don't need on the table.

This time I admitted that I couldn't just stubbornly persevere through. My kids and Bill deserve better. Hell, I deserved better. Six months later I can say that I'm glad that I have worked for the latter half of this year to try different cocktails of meds to find a good match.

I'm ending this year in a happier, more content, less frazzled place than I have ever been. Like ever in my adult life. It's not *just* because of the meds, or losing weight, not working full time, or spending more time with my kids.

Admitting that I didn't like the self depreciating place that I have been stuck and taking the steps to change has made all the difference in my quality of life. Even with the ongoing mess with my family, which is still a very big mess, I don't want to hide.

I want for so many things for myself and my family in 2011, but most of all I want to life the most authentic life I can day after day.

How I spend my days is how I want to spend my life with no regrets and no missed opportunities.

In 2011 I promise to not use I like a million times in every post. I'm starting to be Oprah-esque in my self-centered posts :-)

10 for 2010 The $350.00 Holding Pattern

Crazy productivity while my MIL is in town. Starting with the 24 hour home alone while Bill/Ben drove to pick her up and meet up with his brother. I managed to clean out 2 closets, go through all bins of kids clothes and pack up 4 bags to pass on, purge medicine cabinets, AND go through all of Ben's toys to declutter. I started on the pile o' teaching stuff that is literally taking up 1/4 of the garage but I gave stopped when the garbage can was stuffed FULL.

I rock. And I did all of this with a baby that was needing crazy attention crazy and inconsolable at times due to an ear infection (confirmed Monday.) I literally took him room to room, talking/singing/holding while sorting to keep him happy and me working.

Also, I did this without power for a bulk of the afternoon. It did come back on before it was dark and the house was too cold. We pulled a week without power in this house a few years ago so I know it can be done.

Yesterday Bill and I met with our financial guy to go over our portfolio and set up a 529 education plan for Ian. It was nice to hear that our decision for me to continue to stay home is possible if we continue to live within our means, trimming extra monthly expenses on essentially one salary.

On the way there we stopped at our fertility clinic to pay the 2011 storage fee. I had talked clinic last week about options AND found out that we could use our Flex Med account to pay for the fee. Case closed and alas our 3 frozen babes will be saved another year. Bill and I had agreed not to make a decision about more kids until Ian was at least a year.

But as we have adjusted and settled into life as a family of four, I am almost certain that by next year I am going to let the 3 embryos go. This almost seems like the ultimate no brainer of decisions. I really don't want to be pregnant again at an older age and I want to move ahead with the surgery by the end of 2011.

If I have learned anything in the past 8 months is that the adjustment to 2 kids was harder than I thought. Then there was helping with my friend's twins this summer. It kicked my butt. The idea of even a possibility of multiples as our reality along with my TWO OTHER KIDS all but has helped me make a final call that we are done.

But, for 2011 I'm still leaving the very, very small possibility that something might change. We might decide that we can't live without knowing what became of those three chances at life. I'm donating back all my unused, unexpired meds to the clinic as doing another IVF cycle from square one is definitely off the table. I am happy to know they will be used to hopefully bring someone else a baby.

2010 was such an awesome year to bring sweet Ian into this world. I have to think that there was some divine intervention for only one of the two embryos we put back creating my sweet boy.

So among the awesome is almost a final decision on being a +2.

10 for 2010 Getting on the same page

Short post but to get all my 10 things in by 12/31 I needed to post today. My goal of making 300 posts by end of 2010 is going to fall short namely due to taking the month of October off and also the whole had a baby, adjusted to 2 kido land seemed to suck time away. HA.

One of the things I am most proud of was watching Bill finish his first race in March of this year. It was the culminating of months of following his post surgery diet, adding exercise as part of his daily schedule, and setting a goal to finish a 5k post surgery.

18 months post surgery and he is keeping his weight off with a total weight loss of near 170 lbs. A whole person lost. A whole person gained. One that is on the same page about incorporating healthy decisions as part of a changed lifestyle.

We have been together for 16 years, and not until this year did it ever feel that we were in agreement in living our lives for each other, for our boys, and for a lifetime of opportunities that better health affords.

As we start a new year we both have fitness and weight loss goals. Bill is planning on training and running a 1/2 marathon in March. I am on my final week of Couch to 5k and have hit 3 miles without stopping!!! I have yet to really start running pushing the stroller. My goal until the April 9th Cary Road Race is to run the entire way AND push. Personally I would like to get to 7 miles without stopping by April.

We have challenged each other in 500 in 2011 with the prize to be determined. As corny as this sounds, my prize is walking around with another 20 years on his life.

Merry Christmas from the Family

Truly one of the best Christmas days ever as I am listening to the boys play together with a Hot Wheels Trick track and a Fisher Price Baby car track, think there's a theme going on?

Star Wars in full force with pancake molds used, matching Ben and Daddy Darth Vader and Stormtrooper Lego clocks, and then Ben's final present a huge box of Daddy's SW toys passing from one generation to the next. Ian got a new play kitchen and a passed along play tent that both boys have been enjoying this morning.

Christmas Eve was spent at the children's early service then driving to look at Christmas lights... think a self proclaimed "Happyland" with million lights in rural Wake Co. We then headed home to eat appetizers, set up for Santa and the Santa Mouse (Mommy tradition), and most importantly leaving food for the reindeer after Ben was over concerned they would be hungry.

After bed, Bill and I set up all Santa gifts, staged our front porch to appear that the reindeer had indeed polished off all the food and left hoof prints on the steps.

Enjoying the this LAZY Christmas day at home watching the kids open gifts, play TOGETHER!!!!, and planning a nice steak dinner.

We are so incredibly blessed beyond reason as the Vinson family.

10 for 2010 Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

ME! How about as of this morning while on the phone forever with insurance realizing that I am owed money. How about that when I checked our balances on our Flex Spending we have $$$ left to SPEND!!!

How about we won our 2nd appeal with Bill's former company to pay for our IVF meds. We both thought that going up against Goliath was a long shot, but how glad am I that we appealed, and WON!

How about for the better part of a year with a maternity bills and baby related visits we had double insurance that picked up the tab for most all medical related bills.

How about that since I don't have to carry the insurance for our family, continuing to work from home is a possibility.

It seems almost vulgar in a time when so many so without healthcare that I have an abundance.

For 2010, the security of healthcare makes the list of awesomeness.

On a side note Ben and I went on our last date for 2010. I let him pick the place, Marbles (again) We then made a surprise stop complete with a blindfold to the downtown Krispy Kreme to watch doughnuts being made.

Ben had the snowman, I the raspberry filled. We bought some for Bill and for breakfast. Even Vegas got to eat the last Lemon filled I bought for myself.

Ben announced loudly to the group of NC State students next to us that he was on a date with his mom. One of the guys gave him a hi-five and told him that moms were cool.


It was one of our best dates of the year.

10 for 2010: Working the WAHM Gig

First off I'm in utter freakin' awe of the Bloggess and her whole let's get all "it's a wonderful life" just when I showed up to read about clown porn. The Washington Post of like Woodward and Bernstein fame picking up the story last night. Good God I'm inspired.

I had two interesting conversations about the whole WAHM thing yesterday. One online and one with someone who has know me 10 years. Both ended the same way. "You seem happier than I've ever seen you and I think it is in part due to not working 40+ hours in a school."

Part of me is thinking, God you don't know the half of it, but in truth both people nailed one of the reasons why 2010 rocked. I totally took a leap of faith and moved from the financial and emotional security of a 40+ hour a week job to part time at home with almost no structure.

When I hit a serious crisis of confidence this summer I do believe there was a line ready to slap me back into reality. Each person to remind me for the better part of the last 10 years I have increasingly become burned out and not the teacher I wanted to be.

Yes I have walked away from a sizable chunk of income, and yes it is scary thinking of what will happen if Bill's job tanks and I am left scrambling to find any school in the district with an opening.

I should find out by early March where I will be reassigned, possibly as early as around Easter to be expected back at 6:55am with a load of kids eager to learn about US Gov't. At this point I'm not taking anything off the table but all thoughts are leaning to if I can make this work longer termn then why, why, why would I give up the sweet deal of this fall.

When I was really questioning if I could make this work I was seriuosly concerned that I didn't have what it took to be at home all day, with more kid duty than I have ever done. And, do this kid duty without channeling Betty Draper and being bitter, isolated, and asking for depression to come take up residence in the upstairs bedroom.

There are days that are tough and I feel like I have done nothing but heard cats only to have them conspire against me. But in thinking back, what did I get out of this trade off? How about time to enjoy a baby for all of his yummmy goodness in ways I only wished with Ben. How about more time with Ben in the afternoons? I'll just throw out 6 days a week of working out for usually 90 mins a day. And then, time to do insane things like make those damn Halloween costumes.

The list goes on all because I took this leap of faith and said YES.

If anything sucks me back it will be becasue of money. Our 2011 has the potential to be very expensive. In discussing goals with Bill I have to be realiztic and priotize how much do I want to keep the online part-time thing going if it means we will need to change our lifestyle. Already we have been considering getting out of our house as the boys grow and need more space, saving for eduation and retirement, daycare cost for an infant, and then there's the plastic surgery expenses for my much anticipated surgery.

That last one, a post of it's own and you bet is making my 10 of 2010 list.

10 for 2010

Since I proclaimed Friday that 2010 has been an awesome year, here's the last 10ish days of the year to ponder how:

10. Fulling or at least trying to live in the moment with the kids

This was my only real New Years Resolution for 2010. If I were grading myself I would get a C+ for follow through and an A/B+ for effort.

On the drive this weekend I was thinking about how much time and energy went into trying to make this goal a reality. I tend to be a want to be doing, not sitting on the sidelines watching, or even worse substituting stuff to fill up the relationship with the kids.

Not surprisingly, I have bought zilch of the Christmas gifts for the boys minus a few items. Enter in Bill last night who was pulling out items he's been buying for the boys throughout the fall on sale. He's missed his calling to be a personal shopper (for kids.) He commented that he's been trying to find toys that they boys can play together with given how much Ian is trying to keep up.

Yesterday afternoon I got back and Bill desperately needed some kid-free time. He looked a little battle-worn but commented that overall the kids did great. Huge thanks for a 2nd weekend of solo parenting. He took off to see TRON again and we went to a Christmas party and made this beauty. I especially like the pretzel guns and the tokens for steps. Ben told me they were bombs in case someone tried to eat his house. NICE.

As we head into these last two weeks of the year I am determined to not let the events going on at home dampen the holiday with the kids. Ben is so excited about all things Christmas and I want it to be a special week. We still have several items to mark off our Big Holiday Fun list including making cookies, writing a letter to Santa, and more driving to see lights.

Tomorrow night is our final date night with Ben for 2010. It was my week anyway but I mentioned to Bill I wanted to do the last one of the year. For all the ways I have tried to make time a priority, date night is a super positive for 2010 and a goal of making the time with the kids really count.

Show Me the Mommy- The Brother-Sister Variety

Long week into longer weekend as of around 6 pm tonight I passing the kids off and heading back to SC.

I'm really tired, haven't slept well this week, and feel bad for shortchanging time with my family getting ready for some semblance of a normal Christmas.

BLEH...

Without getting into another long, drawn out ick-filled post it's been a long week.

Skip ahead if you want some awesome upcoming non-family posts to come.

If you are hanging in there with me, I really appreciate the support. Thank you for asking how things are going. Knowing that I have people in our corner helps not feel so incredibly alone with this mess.

As of this morning my mom is still in the ICU has had 4 surgeries to contain infection, debreed and cut away necrotic tissue. Another planned for Sunday. She had been sedated until Wed morning to try to maximize healing from the surgeries and response to the massive amount of antibiotics she is getting. Some positive labs have come back indicating a small reduction in infection.

At this point I still don't know about the long term diagnosis. My only comparison was in January 2004 similar infection set in and she was in the ICU for 9 weeks and then transitioned to a nursing home for another 2 months. Good times, you bet. Drove down every weekend to help, you bet. Back before kids of my own, you bet.

Bill and I are making some hard calls about what to do is this turns long term as he really can't take extended days off to take care of Ian. Once again I feel so pulled that no one is going to be happy and that all this anger and worry is consuming me. I really hate the uncontrollable.

ok.. so for the post. If you know the movie the Savages or the Franzen novel The Corrections, both are spot on realistic to the relationship I have with my brother Brian. We love each other as siblings. But underneath is an ongoing unspeakable rage we both have for being thrust into caretaking mode.

As adult children in role reversal our relationship has changed from one of being a united front against our parents to one of having to be a united front for our parents.

Brian is a surgical nurse who works in Greenville, SC. He's damn funny to the point he should quit taking care of people and write stand up. I can always count on his dry wit to make me laugh even in the most dire of circumstances

He has patience that I do not have. He has a level of compassion that I do not have. He is frankly a much better person that I will ever be. He has essentially given up his opportunity to have a normal 20s/30s to be sole live-in caretaker to my parents. I hope at some point of his life that he will be in a supportive relationship that leads to his own happiness.

As I have moved on to start my own family he is very much still in the same place he was 10 years ago. He has even commented that I have everything he thought he would have at some point with the marriage, kids, even a dog.

Thanks guilt, I knew you were hanging out waiting to insert yourself.

At times our relationship as adult children taking care of our parents has been strained and I feel at odds that he is making decisions without my input. I have to tell myself that he earned the right to make the final call, even when I have not agreed.

It's so easy for me to make the trip down, throw some food in the freezer and play dutiful child for 48 hours while counting the minutes until I can be back home and 6 hours away from the daily grind of caretaking.

I love him because he's my brother, he cushioned some of the intricacies of growing up, he has given of himself more than anyone should be asked, and yes because he makes me laugh.

So I promise that there has been more going on this month other than family drama.

How about some upcoming posts about permanently not going back to 40 week teaching, or that we have come to a decision about the 3 frozen babes, or finally (kinda)getting my shit together with the two kid thing, or how about all the ways 2010 has really been awesome.

Bottom line is for all this ICK, I have my health, my kids, my supportive spouse who once again is taking the boys without complaining, great friends who won't let me hide out, and I have so much ahead next year. 2011 is SO going to be my year.

I've got lots of time to write these posts in my head this weekend, that along with yet another audiobook for the drive and lots of coffee to keeping me going.

Reneging on the whole no Star Wars thing

In the quandaries of life there are so many important decisions.

For my love, my husband, my "thank God he met me or his anti-social side would result in him living in a 1 BR nasty apartment littered with spare computer parts" few movies mean more than Star Wars.

If I had a nickel for every time he has asked me when Ben should finally get to watch the almighty, I would really not need to go back to work.

Alas.... this is what Ben chose to have his face painted at Bill's work party Tuesday night.


I on the other hand:

1. Asked Bill why he let Ben pick a demon not knowing this was a Star Wars character?
2. Informed him (loudly) that he was doing bath time.... ALONE.
3. Was thinking, well that's a sucktastic anniversary gift to me.

Once home, Ben proceeded to stand in front of the mirror until I had to threaten to take away his Christmas book growling, hissing, and spitting as he told me he was "the Star Wars"

No character in particular, just "the Star Wars" He went on to tell me that he now only wants Star Wars toys for Christmas.

I hate you Bill.

So much for my past 12 month plan of convincing Ben that he really wanted the aircraft carrier and 5 Hot Wheels Trick Tracks that have been occupying space in the attic that I got on a mega sale. Even my lame attempt over the fall to take pictures of things I convinced him to ask for (see items above) and send them to Santa in an email are now toally wasted.

Damn you Bill.

Bill has decided to let Ben watch Star Wars with him something soon and he is going to let Santa rummage through the multiple boxes (like think 5) of Bill's old toys (think 40 Year old Virgin) and leave something under the tree.

Bill has organized a gaggle of like-minded folk for a midnight showing of TRON tonight. I seriously hope he enjoys it because I told his boss at the party (who I actually know, I'm not that weird to call him out to a stranger) to give him total Hell on Friday am when he shows up exhausted tired.

Excellent.

Evil Genius aka Happy 8 Months Ian

Doesn't he look like he plotting the downfall of the world? Or whatever he can get into from his vantage point.

The past months have seen sitting without support, crawling, speed crawling, and as of last week, pulling up on furniture. Seriously, in ONE month.

I'm just tired thinking about him at 18 months.

Favorite toys at 8 months are shape sorters, any type of container to throw toys, soft cars, and anything that Ben is playing with to steal and crawl away.

Ben has really come into his own as the protector big brother. Thank God.

As we round out 2010 I cannot imagine anything that brings me more joy than watching this relationship develop.

The Space Between

A wedding is but a day. The marriage is all the days in between.

I want show up ready to live the challenging in hopes of days that leave me deliriously happy.

Happy 14th.

Getting my game face on

Too much to say but it's really late and my Monday is slammed with work for school, plus all the normal stuff from the weekend, and then there is Christmas in 10 days.

My weekend solo trip to SC was a good decision. My mom remains very sick and the attempt to contain the infection in her hip and dialysis port is still a wait and see diagnosis. All signs yesterday were her prognosis was as better small reduction in infection after 2 surgeries. Another is planned for tomorrow or Wed once 48 hour cultures. She has rallied before at this point so all thoughts remain positive.

Part of the problem is that her team of doctors (all 5 of them that looked like their own Christmas production yesterday before the 2nd surgery) have limited options given her compromised state as an end stage renal disease patient.

Since my brother works as a surgical nurse at the same hospital, he seems to know everyone. We were treated very well and privy to information. Plus the staff let us stay way past the cutoff for the ICU.

I think we ate our weight in packs of crackers and little juices. Which, if consumed in a hospital have no caloric value.

I am taking a wait and see approach about heading down again, most likely I will be down again very soon. When I was alone with her Saturday night I had the chance to talk to her and hoped I provided some measure of comfort. As the day wore on her lucid state of mind gave way to confusion. Before the surgery yesterday she had to be restrained as to not pull out her central line or the multiple monitors.

So much of my energy in 2010 as been spent trying to let go of things I cannot change, do over, take back, or even attempt to try to understand. I've tried to do the right thing even when it was really hard.

I am bound to a situation that has only one end and am scared of what life will look like on the other side. What will I be left with, will I be a different person without this constant in my life, and the ever present question if I did enough with the time I was given.

I am bound of a situation of my own making.

You would think after the decade plus of first caring for our dad and now my mom that it somehow gets easier. It doesn't.

This is so unbelievably hard. This aspect of life that is Messy. Chaotic. Crushing. Mine

Show Me the Mommy- The one where I pledged to run 500 miles

When Bill joined the 500 in 2010 Challenge I was insanely jealous of his ability to be working towards a physical activity goal. After all, I WAS 38 weeks pregnant jumping up and down on a cold March morning earlier this year, cheering him on with an obnoxious sign with feet so swollen I could barely walk.

Buddy, I'm taking you down in 2011. After 7 months of 6 days a week gym time I am working towards my own goal of running/pushing Ian the Cary Road Race in honor of his 1st birthday.

I started using the Couch to 5k app the week we returned from Florida and have worked up to running 2.5 miles in 35 mins without stopping. Go Me. No seriously, I never in a million years thought I could run any amount of time. I have been quoted in the past saying that the only way you would see me run was:

1. Someone was chasing me
2. A Krispy Kream shop was on fire and I had to save the doughnuts

I even ran on a cold rainy Thanksgiving morning (hence the picture) much to the chagrin of my mom and brother who had never seen me in anything resembling running gear.

Next year is going to be my year for SO many reasons, starting with participating in the next competition. For now going to count time to get credit for my classes, but just to challenge myself, I'm also going to count miles.

2011. You've just been put on notice.

#reverb10 MOMENT of 2010

I'm sharing a post from #reverb10 writing today. My moment for 2010, where one story ended and a new one began began.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Since my 2010 word of the year is anticipation, the moment that best captures 2010 was the utter joy in realizing a dream come true.

I can't imagine a more powerful experience than bringing new life into the world. The anticipation of laboring, the long awaited final oppotunity to hold what has been moving inside, the acknowledgement of the physical pain and exhaustion that you remember before, and the realization that you are the only person who has been given this work to see to the end.

You know in your deepest being your strong and powerful body is designed to take over, so you give in and resist every temptation to fight. You are reminded by those holding you in their hands that everything you need it right here, right now.

All my focus and energy had to be brought to this one moment. This was my work alone to do. Only I could bring my son into this world and I wanted Ian's arrival to be under my control.

I wanted his birhtday and my labor to be without regret or doubt that I wished I had made different choices. My wish was my reality as I was paired with a supportive labor nurse who worked with my doula Sam. Both attended to me like a daughter, showing me compassion, care, and respect for our decisions.

Even with the unwanted induction and internal monitoring, I still felt like I was able to give Ian the birth I wanted for him. One of the most frequent questions I have been asked is why with the availibility of drugs would you want to feel the pain of childbirth, again?

Because I could. Because I waited and hoped and prayed to have the experience again. Because in this intense physical pain, emotional pain was being released. Because without feeling pain you cannot know intense fulfilling pleasure. I wanted to feel every moment of this experience for all the empowerment it would afford.

When I hit my crisis of confidence, Sam cradled my face close to hers and whispered, "he's coming, let him, don't hold anything back." She then kissed me on the forehead in the most mothering of ways and stroked my temples. It was the simplest of gestures but it was the encouragement I needed to keep going.

And Ian did come, at 4:06 pm after 10 hours of labor. So many times with my boys I wish for time to stand still so I can soak up every last minute of the moment and imprint it in my memory. Remembering the last moments of anticipation slipping into reality as life is placed in your arms is my 2010 moment to remind me that I am blessed beyond reason.

" falling back on all those that love you"

Another post written but I'm sitting on it, letting it simmer, re-edit and decide if I really have the courage to put it out there. My after kids went to bed all hell broke loose. again. same story. every holiday season situation surfaced. I fucking lost it in an all out unbridged rage tirade. Not proud in the morning after.

We were in the car when the news broke of Elizabeth Edwards death late yesterday. This was not unexpected given the press release on Monday, but still it was a punch in the gut.

I cannot even begin to put into words as beautifully as Jen Lemen did on a post about meeting her at Blogher. The pictures alone capture why I think so many of us connected with her. Her ability to communicate candidly and honestly. Her very public persona about raising children, marriage and the end of marriage, battling illness, and in general living a fulfilled life found an audience. She was in her own right more than the proverbial politician's wife because of her authenticity.

Just as we were about to start ivf last year Laura in her quiet and compassion way, showed up at Ben's 3rd birthday party with a frozen food for our freezer and a basket filled with things to sustain and nourish the upcoming insane time. I posted a write up and review in the midst of the craziest month ever.

Among the items was Edwards book, Resilience. This book was of comfort detailing how she found strength and resolve. I later passed it on with a note to another friend facing a difficult situation with this sentence marked, "in a time of sorrow, fall back on all those who love you." How comforting and the first person I hope Elizabeth was able to hold yesterday morning was her precious Wade.

Elizabeth was a local celebrity in Raleigh and I regret all the times that she appeared at local venues that I didn't take the opportunity to meet her. I take away that despite her critics that she was a class act, never to be deterred by what life handed her. She lived her life to the fullest with no regrets.

If ever someone was living Mondo it was Elizabeth Edwards.

#Reverb10, New MB Dream Lab, the non-mundane Monday

Much to say about my Monday:

Helped with Hunter twins at a hospital follow up. I'm in awe of modern medicine's ability to transform.

Appointment 1 of 3 this week to burn Flex Med funds. Why the hell did I book them all this week?

Crazy amounts of tutoring with my online kids during these last weeks of class. I am this close to offering to meet them at their school for a group econ session for those in the same location.

Final decision for Donors Choose schools to support!!!

Another 2 miles run without stopping + a barbell strength class. Ask me if I wasn't a little happy to hear the instructor that prides herself in leading 100 push ups, 100 squats, and 100 crunches is returning to her family in England until January.

New Mondo Dream Lab is starting in January. Very excited and hoping they offer an alumni rate before I pull the trigger to sign up. I actually had started the book, The Gift of Imperfection after a compelling discussion among like minded folk in the community. Check out Brene Brown's TED Talks, and prepare to be amazed.

On that note I am on the side writing daily prompts for Reverb10. I'm not sure how much will be publicly posted but I love the 20 min and 750 max word count guidelines. It's been a great way to reflect on the year and prepare myself for the coming 2011. So far a sampling of past week's prompts:

One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

I'm starting to wish I had 31 more days to live out my December.

2 Miles, Mimosas, Santa's Workshop, & SNOW-Real and Fake

As much as I am trying to protect the month of December it seems like almost every day is CRAZY.INSANE.BUSY.

The highlights since my posts from Thursday and Friday never made it out of draft form.

10.5 hours at the gym last week. This included running 2 full miles without stopping in 28 mins. Go me. My 2011 plans are quickly being re-evaluated to push it further. Go Me, again.

Thursday, we rode the Santa Train at Science and Life. This was our first year as we normally opt for the Pullen Park Santa Event. I'm glad we had tickets for the 5:20 pm train early in the event opening. It was packed as we were leaving. Fun time, but we will be back to Pullen next year for the sheer amount of times you can ride the train.

Saturday, Ben and I went to Santa's Workshop in Cary. This was a first for this event but it's a repeat. In 1.5 hours we made 8 easy crafts (some of which are now gmom gifts),met Santa, watched a local ballet company or the "pretty ladies", and then walked to a local pharmacy with an old time soda fountain for lunch.

I headed downtown Raleigh for a quickly moved up birthday party for an old teaching friend. Think mimosas, then gourmet cupcakes, a birthday party minus screaming kids, then the 1st snow of the season. PERFECT. It was lovely to see her and recant stories of dragging 60 kids on a scavenger hunt through the Smithsonian. Somehow I kept being introduced to new faces over lunch as, "I've never met you, but your stories seem to live on."

Sat night we ordered take out and watched Peanuts Christmas. We built another piece in the Lego Countdown calendar and enjoyed a night in as the snow came down.

Sunday we headed over for a fake snow event at a local park. When I booked the tickets in early Nov I had no idea that there would be actual SNOW on the ground for real. Bill and Ben sledded while I stayed home with a sleeping baby (YAY) and pile of school work. Ten bucks that Ian has his own sled next year. His new found mobility is keeping me busy.

I wrapped up the weekend by venturing out for a performance of the Messiah. Usually Bill and I go to Duke for the full-on 3 hour version, but we opted to use the babysitter for our anniversary next week. Bill thanked me and I loved 2 whole hours of bliss.

This week is Crazy busy, but then I bet yours is too.

Making a (Christmas) list and checking it twice (or 18 times)

Last night Ben and I kicked off our annual family Christmas countdown with an extra special date night at a local Festival of Trees.

Ben enjoyed the show choir performing more than the trees (unless they had a toy or something pink theme). We left when I found him writing his name repeatedly on the silent auction list.

Last year I felt like we shoved way too much into the month of December. This year I sat down with Bill and talked over how we could incorporate date nights and special one on one events with Ben in lieu of trucking everyone all over town. Here is our tentative list of family events we hope to hit before the end of the year.


Nightly participation in the Jesse Tree Advent calendar

Build the Lego Christmas advent set

Sing Silly Christmas Songs/Listen to Christmas music in the car

Attend a live Nativity

Read 2 Christmas bedtime books with Ian under our tree (mommy collects kids Christmas books and has over 50)

Try ice skating

Ride the Santa Train

Make a special gift from Ben and Ian for Grandmommy, Mema, Uncles Jamie and Brian

Sled at the Bond Park Winter Wonderland

Visit with Santa

Check out the area holiday lights/inflatables

Decorate a Christmas tree

Attend a Christmas parade

Make a gingerbread house

Write a letter to Santa

Watch Christmas programs on family movie night

Go to the Festival of Trees